A guide to dining out from a former waitress

Tomorrow is National Waiter & Waitress Day, but it’s also Haiku Day for the Blogathon and I already wrote my haiku, so I’m posting this today!

Since tomorrow is National Waiter & Waitress Day, I’d like to take some time to talk about how you should treat your server when you go out to eat. Of course, there is no excuse for rude service and everything that follows is written under the assumption that your server is friendly and is trying her best.

When I was about 7 or 8 years old, my mom started teaching me how to tip when we went to restaurants. She would tell me how much the check was and then explain how to calculate a 20% tip. Growing up, I figured this was standard practice, so I was shocked after I started waitressing at the vast number of people who seemed clueless about how to tip.

I was also surprised to learn that a lot of people are not aware of what a server’s hourly wage is. They don’t make a normal minimum wage. In fact, there’s a completely separate minimum wage set for them and the last I checked, it was $2.13/hour. That’s just about enough to cover taxes – give or take a few bucks. (I do not miss my weekly voided checks). They make that little because it’s assumed they will make up for it in tips.

You may not feel it’s your job to pay a server’s wages, but just think how much your steak would cost if the restaurant owners were paying their wait staff a regular wage.

The question then becomes how much you should tip. As a waitress, I was generally happy with anything above 15%, but as a consumer, I refuse to tip less than 20% for decent service. My feeling is that an extra couple of bucks from my pocket after spending $50-100 on dinner is not going to break me, but it will mean a lot more to my server. And for over-the-top service, I’ve been known to tip much higher.

There are a few other things you consider when thinking about the level of your service. If the kitchen messed up your meal in any way, remember that your server didn’t cook it. If you have a meal taken off your bill because the kitchen messed something up, remember it’s not your server’s fault. Whether your bill is discounted because a meal was removed or because you had coupons or a discount, tip on what your bill would have been at full price.

Before you go out to eat, make sure you have enough money to tip. Don’t spend $100 on steak and lobster and then stiff your server because you forgot to factor his tip into your budget.

You should also be mindful of the day and time when you go out to eat. I purposefully avoid going out to restaurants on Friday and Saturday nights because I don’t like the crowds. All it takes is for one server to call out sick and it can throw off the entire rotation in a restaurant. It may take an extra couple of minutes for your extra ketchup or a refill on your iced tea because your server could be running extra tables.

If you or your kids make a complete mess, at least attempt to clean it up. If you absolutely can’t clean it up because you decided to take your six kids out to eat and weren’t thinking that they would create a disaster at your table, leave your server extra money. The longer it takes to get that table cleaned, the longer before that server starts making money again.

All of the regular manners you should have learned as a child – please and thank you, looking someone in the eyes when you talk to them, pleasantries, etc. – they apply when you go out to eat too. Don’t treat your servers like a second-class citizens, remember they’re human beings.

I could probably write a book on all of the different situations that could come up, but generally, just remember to tip well and to treat your server with respect.

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23 responses to this post.

  1. “If you or your kids make a complete mess, at least attempt to clean it up. If you absolutely can’t clean it up because you decided to take your six kids out to eat and weren’t thinking that they would create a disaster at your table, leave your server extra money. The longer it takes to get that table cleaned, the longer before that server starts making money again.”

    I don’t have kids, nor do I leave a mess, but this should not happen, sorry. NOBODY PAYS FOR SERVICES THAT ARE OVER WITH ALREADY!! Do *YOU* honestly *CARE* what happens when *YOU* leave a restaurant? Seriously, customer pay for their services ************WHILE THEY ARE THERE AS TO WHAT SERVICE IS***********!

    No customers should leave extra money for something they won’t be receiving. If they have left the building, they aren’t receiving any service. You’d have to clean it up no matter if the customers were the last table or if it was slow or it was busy, it doesn’t matter. That cleaning up occurs *AFTER* the customer has left. WHY should they pay for something they don’t receive? I bet you don’t do that, WHY should they? If you do, that’s CRAZY to do that, VERY CRAZY, because I for sure don’t pay for things I don’t benefit from. NOBODY CARES how the mess is cleaned once they leave a restaurant. They could care less what happens.

    ***THE SERVICE IS OVER WITH, SO IS THE TIPPING************!!

    I think you are being RIDICULOUS to think that people should pay for things they don’t receive. Service is what happens WHILE WE ARE THERE, NOT WHEN WE HAVE LEFT!! That is the GOD’S TRUTH and you KNOW IT!! It would be VERY MORALLY WRONG AND UNFAIR for ANYONE to pay for something that aren’t receiving in the service. I don’t understand you servers? WHY you feel you should receive payment BEYOND THE TIME THE CUSTOMER IS THERE, HUH? THAT MAKES NO SENSE WHAT-SO-EVER, NONE!!

    “If the kitchen messed up your meal in any way, remember that your server didn’t cook it.”

    Your server could have put in the order wrong though or brought out the OBVIOUSLY WRONG thing or FORGOT SOMETHING or brought something obviously prepared wrong that you don’t have to touch the food to notice it’s wrong.

    The majority of the issues are caused by your server or another server because they are obvious mistakes or your server put in the order wrong.

    “Whether your bill is discounted because a meal was removed ”

    If the meal was removed because of your server messing up, then the tip should be very low tip or possibly nothing depending also on the issue and what happened.

    “because you had coupons or a discount, tip on what your bill would have been at full price.”

    It depends on the discount and WHY we have the discount. If the discount is because of poor service that you are in on the present visit that it’s the server’s fault and the service was horrible, zero tip regardless of the discount. I don’t care if the manager gave it to us for free, if the service was horrible, I won’t tip you.

    If the discount is because of a previous visit, then of course I would tip based on as if I would be paying myself for the food as to however the service goes, because that’s not the server’s fault that you have your meal comped from a previous visit for example that was horrible. The tip is on the PRESENT service, not the past.

    If the discount is because of the server did something wrong(such as forgot to put in your appetizer order), but the server was really nice about it such as profuse apology, offered something in the meantime, etc., then the tip would be BEFORE the discount. If they messed up majorly but didn’t apologize and the server doesn’t offer anything, if the manager decided to comp something, ZERO tip should be deserved for not apologizing for a major mess up like a forgotten order or wrongly put in order. The *SERVER* should be trying to make-up for *THEIR* mess-ups NOT the manager. If the server does apologize but only says “sorry” and acts like they could care less, 10% AFTER the discount(obviously if the entire meal is comped, half the amount of the bill so if the original bill was $50, tip 10% of $25.

    If the discount was due to a kitchen error, then you should not punish the server’s tip and leave it based on ONLY how the server did by tipping on the BEFORE the discounted amount.

    If the discount is a coupon that gives the item for free example(free appetizer) or a large amount like $20 off then since your server served the appetizer, depending on the service, if the service is good, you should tip *BEFORE* the discount.

    If the discount is lowering prices such as through a coupon ($4 off 2 entrées) or happy hour prices, the tip should be based on ***********AFTER********** the discount due to that we all tip based on INCREASES IN PRICES WHEN PRICES GO UP, it’s only ****FAIR***** to tip on the discounted amount in this case. Now if you feel that your server went well above and beyond, go ahead and tip before the discount, but if it’s just average service or not-so-great service, tip *AFTER* the discounted amount. It shouldn’t always be in the server’s favor and it’s not fair if we tipped based on prices not lowered, because when prices increase, we tip based on the higher prices, so it’s only fair we tip lower when the OWNER lowers the prices through coupons and happy hour prices.

    My point is, shouldn’t ALWAYS be in the server’s favor, WHY do we get the COUPON in the first place, because the *OWNER* DECIDED TO LOWER THEIR PRICES, so if that’s what they want to do, then it should go by the lower prices just as we tip higher when the prices go up due to inflation. It’s only *FAIR* that it’s not always in the server’s favor, that’s it’s EQUALLY in both favors doing it the way I am saying and you KNOW IT!! YOUR WAY IS SELFISH!!

    “It may take an extra couple of minutes for your extra ketchup or a refill on your iced tea because your server could be running extra tables.”

    It depends on WHO ASKED FOR WHAT FIRST and is it a mistake or not. For example, let’s say table 2 asked for a refill, then I asked for my check. I would really hope you would get table 2′s refill first just because that’s FAIR. As far as mistakes go, let’s say I asked you for a refill, my food arrives from another server, still no drink. You come to see if the food came out OK without the drink you forgot. That’s on *YOU* that you forgot.

    So my point is, be *FAIR* about things. Let’s say I asked for extra ranch when I ordered, you forgot it when you brought me my food, it shouldn’t take you a few minutes. You should be IMMEDIATELY going to fix the mistake since you messed up and I asked for that a very long time ago.

    Reply

    • I knew before I even finished writing this post that I would receive a comment like this. I just wasn’t expecting it so quickly.

      I’m sorry you’re so angry you felt the need to get so defensive over a post where the main point was just to treat waiters and waitresses with respect.

      I specifically said, “if the *kitchen* messed up your meal.” If your steak is over-cooked or you didn’t get enough shrimp in your pasta, your server did not cook it. All of those other situations were not what I was referring to – there’s a reason I added at the end “I could probably write a book on all of the different situations that could come up, but generally, just remember to tip well and to treat your server with respect.”

      “The majority of the issues are caused by your server or another server because they are obvious mistakes or your server put in the order wrong.”

      Did you do a study on this? Just curious. Because my experiences as a waitress and as a customer have led me to very different conclusions. That’s not to say a server can’t screw up – just that your generalization seems way off-base.

      As for the mess – I’m not talking about a few crumbs on the table. I’m talking a complete disaster and if you think that common courtesy is ridiculous, well, I guess there’s no point in discussing any more of this with you.

      Reply

      • “If your steak is over-cooked your server did not cook it.”

        But your server could put in the order wrong for that steak as to why it is overcooked though. It *IS* possible.

        “Did you do a study on this? Just curious. Because my experiences as a waitress and as a customer have led me to very different conclusions. That’s not to say a server can’t screw up – just that your generalization seems way off-base.”

        No, experiences as a customer taught me. I don’t need to study COMMON SENSE. Anything that is brought to the table from your server that can be SEEN WITHOUT TOUCHING THE FOOD that there is something wrong which most things you don’t have to cut open or move to see there’s a problem(such as a wrong side dish, missing condiments, sauce on wings when said you wanted none, etc.) is your server’s fault.

        If it’s another server that brought out something obviously wrong to the table, it still in the service as part of the tip even if *YOU* didn’t directly do it, because tips are from the “SERVICE” you receive, which that person messed up our service.

        Also, do you realize me and my husband have had several servers ADMITTED to our FACES they put in orders wrong and/or it was on the check rung up wrong as to see that it was their fault.

        Some things are obvious. Denny’s once a waitress brought me onion rings when I ordered fries, which I even saw it was wrong on the TRAY even, that’s how pathetic this was that she actually “BROUGHT” me onion rings like an IDIOT that obviously didn’t compare her written order to the food to have noticed such an OBVIOUS to the EYES wrong food on the plate.

        So NO, YOU are WAYYYY OFF BASE. Most issues happen because of the server.

        Do you realize we have had times when servers forgot to put orders in as well?

        We also have had MANY OVERCHARGES over the years, including a number of WRONG PRICES(If we can see it, you can see it and get if fixed from your manager *BEFORE* you hand us the check).

        I would say the most common problem I have is with condiments. You ask for let’s say ranch, they bring the food out without it. I have seen this even at other tables even, not just me.

        “I’m talking a complete disaster and if you think that common courtesy is ridiculous, well, I guess there’s no point in discussing any more of this with you.”

        But this is not a *MONETARY* issue. Service is over. You shouldn’t get paid still once the service is over. THAT is not common courtesy to act like you should get paid BEYOND the time the customers have left. Do you pay for things you don’t receive? I doubt that. For example, would you pay an extra $5 a month for a service on your cell phone for example that you didn’t authorize or even use? It’s the ********SAME********* thing with this issue. People that do leave huge messes shouldn’t have to leave you more money, because that cleaning up occurs ************AFTER*********** the service is over with, so WHY should you get paid for no services rendered? Cleaning before and after you are seated & restocking all have NOTHING to do with the tip. Tips are for *************SERVICE******************* ONLY!

        I worked at a donut shop/diner back in 1998-2002 off and on a little over 2yrs worth all together. NOT ONCE did I ********EVER*********** expected to get tipped based on cleaning or restocking. That’s not something people should tip on. That’s RIDICULOUS to think you are OWED money for something that the customer will ********************************NEVER*********************** BENEFIT FROM EVER!!

        Tell me this, HOW will the customer BENEFIT from you cleaning up after they have left the restaurant, huh? The restaurant will have to be cleaned just for basic upkeep. This has NOTHING to do with service.

        I think it’s not common courtesy to pay for something you don’t receive. That’s just being SELFISH AND SELF-ABSORBED, because you know *YOU* would NOT pay for something that doesn’t benefit you and you know it. You would just pay a bill that you wouldn’t want just to pay it? YEAH RIGHT, I don’t believe you.

        I don’t feel customers should have to pay for something that is OVER WITH ALREADY. It doesn’t matter if they leave the table with drinks spilled and everything, that is paid from the $2.13/hr that your employer pays you. The tip has NOTHING to do with the cleaning up that occurs during times when the customers aren’t there nor does it have to do with restocking.

        I think common courtesy in my opinion is to not make a mess to begin with. It shouldn’t hold a monetary value though since the restaurant is your employer at that point since the customers are GONE. They aren’t there anymore to tip for something they won’t receive.

        I do feel if the customers do leave a mess that you should *EARN* your $2.13/hr and clean it. Seriously, it’s not the customer’s responsibility to pay for something that isn’t part of their service.

        I will ask you one more time:

        DO YOU PAY FOR THINGS YOU DON’T BENEFIT FROM?

        If you do, you are crazy to work for literally nothing and not get something from that money. If you don’t then you cannot tell anyone they should pay for something they don’t receive when you sure hell don’t. That wouldn’t be fair then, now would it?

        Reply

        • I’m not going to waste my time responding to all off that. You seem like you have a lot of anger issues. It’s been my experience that anyone who gets this defensive about something written by a complete stranger usually has some subconscious guilt issues. But I’m sure you’ll say that’s way off base too. ::shrug::

          I find it interesting though that you keep referring to me directly. I haven’t waitressed in 7 years so none of this is about what *I* feel entitled to.

        • springs – I’ve let your comments through because I don’t believe in removing comments when someone disagrees with me. I’ve posted some very controversial things on my blog (and I really didn’t think this would be one of them) and have always welcomed discussions. But I will not allow comments through when you attack other people commenting on my blog, especially when all you are doing is restating what you’ve already said.

          We all know now that you don’t think you should have to clean up after yourself or tip extra when you leave someone else to clean up after you – you have every right to feel how you feel. Get over it and move on.

          If you have anything new and RESPECTFUL to add, I’ll approve the comments. Otherwise, all the best to you in your life.

  2. Okay, Dayle, I agree w/ you 100%. And as someone who has 3 children, 1 of whom is just getting out of that stage of making a complete mess of her meal, I really agree w/ the part about leaving extra (if you can) for the mess. I always cleaned up as much as I could (to the point where many servers would tell me to not worry about it) because I KNOW how much time it takes to clean it up. And I certainly think that a waiter/waitress/busperson who has to deal with that deserves a little bit extra. In the same vein that they should get a little extra for dealing with other special circumstances where they have to put forth extra time and effort. That’s called paying for the complete service. The cleaning up, by definition, has to happen after you leave, and if you leave an extraordinary mess, whether you have children or not, it is just common courtesy that if you are not going to attempt to clean it up yourself that you would leave extra for the poor soul who has to do it for you.
    And I do think you are right about the $2.13. My nephew works as a busboy currently and that is his rate. I think many people do not realize how little the bottom is line for the workers and how meaningful that tip can be, so this post is a great reminder!

    Reply

    • Thanks, Anne :)

      “In the same vein that they should get a little extra for dealing with other special circumstances where they have to put forth extra time and effort. That’s called paying for the complete service.”

      Exactly. There are so many different situations. “All you can eat” type meals are another one that I always tip extra for. And I think having someone clean up after you *is* a service you receive. If you’re eating at home, you’d have to clean up the mess. When Abby was little, she used to create a complete disaster area. I *always* cleaned up after her . . . And I’ve been told several times not to worry about it as well. Honestly, when I waitressed, I was just impressed by those who tried to help out . . . I always told them not to worry about, but I also thought more of them for doing it.

      In Jersey, I made $2.13 an hour and in PA, I made $2.73. I remember talking to friends and family members about it at the time and all of them were floored by my hourly rate. The only reason servers even get an hourly rate is because they need something to take taxes from. Sometimes my paychecks would be less than $1 . . . sometimes they’d be completely voided out . . . and sometimes, I’d have to send a check in to cover my health insurance because my check wasn’t enough!

      Reply

  3. Posted by Karen on May 20, 2012 at 9:16 pm

    This is a nice post…and probably alot of people don’t know the low wages waitresses get from the restaurant. I waitress too during college and I was a good one. if I have a server who appears to care about me and my meal, they will get 20%, if the service is terrible 0.

    Reply

    • Thank you, Karen!

      I’ve left crappy to nothing tips for people who are rude and don’t care at all. I tried to catch that in the beginning of the post – there is no excuse for rude service. But if my server is pleasant, I tip well. Even if she makes a few mistakes here and there, if I can tell she’s really trying, I still tip well.

      I was an awesome server. When we would get complimentary letters from customers that were sent in to corporate, the used to tack them up to our bulletin board. Barely a week would go by when I didn’t have one up there. I busted my ass and I actually enjoyed my job . . . with the exception of those who treated my like shit just for being there. I especially loved my regulars who would come in and ask for me . . . and those who came in on really slow lunch shifts and I’d hang out and talk with them for a bit.

      But when I was new? Forget it! For the first few weeks, I cried almost every night and swore there was no way I’d ever be able to do the job. I don’t think a lot of people realize how difficult it is. I’m always very sympathetic to the new servers!

      Reply

      • Posted by Karen on May 21, 2012 at 7:42 am

        Dayle, you are so right, it is a very difficult job, especially when new. I also don’t mind if someone makes a mistake as long as they are trying to do a good job and pleasant. Alot of people who complain might not if they actually worked even a day as a waitress. I also was a great server and had regular customers who sat only in my station and I really looked forward to seeing them.

        Reply

  4. Posted by Rachelle on May 20, 2012 at 9:54 pm

    I love this post. I was a server for 9 years, so the comments you’ve received from a disrespectful patron dooooo not surprise me at all. It is hilarious but sad, the sense of entitlement that some people have.
    Servers are supposed to get your drinks, take your order, deliver your food, make sure everything is ok…. But customers could have some respect. Don’t chug your drink and expect a refill instantly, don’t flip out if there is a mistake on your check unless you yourself have never made a single mistake in your life… And most, importantly in my, opinion

    Reply

    • Posted by Rachelle on May 20, 2012 at 10:02 pm

      Ooops, wasn’t done…. Most importantly clean up after your kids… And teach them to respect servers.
      I end up on my hands and knees under the table after every meal… Nobody else should have to clean up after my kids…
      Your post is right on, anyone who disagrees is obviosly a terrible customer with a chip on their shoulder. There are some people who go out to eat just waiting for their “idiot” server to bring them onion rings instead of french fries… God for freakin bid!
      Ugh…. I’m disgusted.

      Reply

      • Thanks for reading and commenting, Rachelle!

        I’ve had others get defensive when I’ve talked about treating servers with respect and tipping well. It always astonishes me. It also doesn’t surprise me that people like that think they always get poor service. They set the bar so high that no one can possible jump over it.

        I had some absolutely fabulous customers when I waitressed, and I always busted my ass to do my job well. Of course, I made mistakes from time to time. I always owned up to them and corrected them as best I could. Some people just don’t want to be happy. I feel sorry for them. When I had customers like that, I’d just smile and nod and repeat in my head “they can stay here forever, they can’t stay here forever”!!

        Reply

  5. Posted by Rachelle on May 20, 2012 at 10:08 pm

    If your server overcharges you by accident you have the mistake corrected… Simple as that.
    Do you or do you not go to work and expect to be paid for the work you do?
    So a server expecting to be paid for their work is wrong?
    You better believe they are entitled to a tip. Nobody works for free.

    Reply

    • Please ignore springs. I mistyped her screen name when I put her on my moderate list, so I was deleting the comments afterwards (apparently, she missed the part where I told her I would only allow respectful comments to go through). I fixed it though :)

      I couldn’t help myself and popped on over to her blog. Apparently, she’s been doing this for years . . . searching out posts about servers and writing inflammatory comments on them. I’m done feeding the troll!

      Reply

    • Posted by Karen on May 21, 2012 at 7:44 am

      I think a lot of people don’t realize how little servers are paid by the restaurant. Or that they should be paid by the restaurant but as Dayle said prices would then skyrocket.

      Reply

      • I once had someone tell me that he doesn’t tip on principle because he thinks the restaurant should pay servers more. After I picked my jaw up, I asked him if he’d also like to pay $40 for his NY strip.

        Reply

  6. Great post Dayle! I’ve never been a server, but I was a cashier for several months and have worked in retail for over 12 years, so I know what it is like to deal with the public all day. I have a lot of sympathy for servers. They have hard jobs and sometimes it takes a lot of effort to be pleasant when dealing with the public, especially the people who treat you as someone beneath them, which is sadly a lot of people. They definitely have my respect, and a good tip. :)

    Reply

    • Thanks, Paula!

      Customer service in general is not an easy job! I’ve worked in customer service on and off and in different ways for many years. I can’t do it anymore! I will admit that there are parts to waitressing (and other customer service jobs) that I miss. I loved interacting with my regulars and the pleasant customers who came in, but there are those who think they are better solely because of the position in which you work (whether it be as a server or cashier or deli-worker or whatever) and as I get older, my patience for assholes is just not what it used to be!

      Reply

  7. Dayle…

    First, AGREE. Wholeheartedly. I’ve never been a waitress…and frankly, would never want to. That doesn’t mean however that I don’t respect those who do. In fact, it’s the opposite. I know I wouldn’t want to…I think they’re brave for even thinking about it!

    Might I add, for those of us who are addicted to sitting at places like Denny’s for hours on end sucking up cups of coffee…something I’ve been doing since my high school years when Denny’s was “cool” (and still seems to be, amazingly enough, for the high school/college set).

    Tip by the hour.

    The poor waitstaff schleps coffee on a consistent basis despite the fact you haven’t ordered anything more in ages. Your paltry $2 cup of coffee and its 40 cent tip isn’t sufficient to cover their work, even if they are constantly doing rounds with the pot and you’re just another stop on the route. Seriously, here people…! I’ve often left a $5 tip for a $2 cup o’joe simply because the waitress was very good at keeping my cup full. I’ve noticed in those cases when I was a regular, I built up a relationship with the waitstaff who knew I wasn’t just another loitering “patron” with Magic the Gathering cards and no tip. :-D

    Of course, I’ve since moved on to Panera where the clientele is a bit more sophisticated and the coffee is self-serve…but when I go back, I still tip by the hour.

    Reply

    • So, SO true about adding to the tip when you camp out! I used to leave 100% tips at a diner because I would sit there by myself reading a book for 3 hours and rack a check no more than $15!

      And it’s funny you brought up Denny’s . . . when I was in college, it was the only place open 24 hours, so I was there at 3am on many, many occasions!

      I also meant to include to tip extra for “free” services — like a ridiculous number of refills on an all you can eat special. I once had a single order all you can eat shrimp, take up my table for an hour and a half, and order 8 refills. He then tipped me $2 on his $15 check. (And his service was freaking perfect!)

      Reply

  8. Wow! You know, I really learned a lot in this post! First of all, I can’t believe waitresses are paid such low hourly wages. That helps me understand why tipping is so important. It makes so much sense to *plan* tipping in before even eating out as you suggest. Also, 20% is also a new tipping amount for me! =) I’ve only ever heard 10% or 15%! Maybe it’s just the community that I’m part of. Exceeellent post, Dayle! =)

    Reply

    • Thank you, Sam!

      I don’t know what the norms or standards are in other countries. The one location I worked at was next to a hotel, so we would often get customers from other countries. I remember talking to one man (for the life of me, I can’t remember where he was from) who told me that servers in his country made a normal wage so tipping was much lower.

      I’ve never had to deal with tipping in other countries, but I am always unsure about tipping for other services I’m not used to getting — like bag checks at a hotel or valets or grocery delivery. I am eternally grateful for the internet (and smart phones) to help me out in those cases!

      Reply

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