Archive for the ‘Parenting’ Category

18 Apr

The joy of reading together

Posted by Dayle Lynne in Books, Education, Parenting. Tagged: , , , , .

One of my most treasured childhood experiences is when my mom would read to me. I struggled with reading in first and second grade, so my mom spent a lot of extra time reading with me. Despite my academic challenges, I loved books, and I attribute that love to those nights sitting in the recliner on my mom’s lap.

We read picture books and chapter books. We read fiction and non-fiction. We had discussions and shared ideas. I remember collecting a set of Disney books from the supermarket. I looked forward to the nights when she’d bring a new one home.

I retained my love of books throughout the rest of my schooling (and through adulthood as well). In fact, by third grade, I no longer struggled to read, and in fifth grade, I was one of the few selected to help tutor struggling second graders.

My daughter’s experiences with reading have been vastly different from mine at her age. She’s picked it up every easily. She’s consistently read a grade-level above her year since kindergarten. The one thing we have in common is our love of books.

Since my daughter was an infant, I read to her . . . long before she understood a word I was saying. As she grew older, she became enthralled with books. We carried books with us everywhere and we read constantly throughout the day.

Once she started school, she was required to read on her own every night. After she finished her reading for school, we would read together. In the beginning of first grade, we started reading chapter books together. I loved the discussions we had together . . . the way my little girl was showing me, through independent thoughts and ideas, just how much she was growing up.

Abby readingBy the middle of first grade, she started reading her chapter books on her own and slowly I let our reading time slip away. It wasn’t intentional. Our days are usually hectic. She doesn’t get home until 4:15pm and by the time she’s finished her homework, it’s time for dinner. By the time dinner’s over, we generally have about an hour before shower and bed time. We’ll play games, watch a show, or go outside. But I’ve been missing the unique closeness of reading together.

I made it a point to this week to rectify that. We started Coraline on Tuesday night. It’s thrown off our schedule a bit. Bedtime’s been pushed back a bit and a shower might have been skipped tonight, but it’s been wonderful to have that special time back when we can share our love of books. And I hope I’m creating for my daughter the same kind of treasured memories I hold so dear.

“You’re never too old, too wacky, too wild, to pick up a book and read to a child.” ~Dr. Seuss

21 Feb

When mommy goes out

Posted by Dayle Lynne in Parenting. Tagged: , , .

I stood in the bathroom applying a minimal amount of makeup. The fact that I was wearing any at all meant the night was something special. My daughter strolled down the hallway.

“Mom, do you want to play chess?”

“Abby, you know I’m getting ready to go out. I’m leaving in a tiny bit.”

“Candyland?”

When that suggestion was knocked down as well, she proceeded to crawl around on the floor pretending to be a dog. I knew it was regressive behavior. I reminded her that I would be home that night and that she’d see me in the morning. I reminded her that we had a lot of fun plans for the next couple of days.

I hugged her and kissed her and told her to behave before leaving to meet my friend at the train station.

I understood immediately why she acted the way she did. She’s not used to me going out without her. My rare social engagements are almost always planned for the weekends when she’s at her dad’s. I work from home, so she never has to worry about me not being here when she gets home from school. I’ve organized my life around my daughter’s schedule.

Things were different for me growing up. I was only a year older than my daughter when I became a “latchkey kid.” I woke every morning to an empty house and came home from school every afternoon to an empty house. My mom rarely made it to school functions because she had to work. I’ve been determined to do things differently with my daughter . . . and so far, I’ve been lucky enough to make it happen.

The rest of the weekend, my daughter was extra clingy. She practically sat on top of me on the couch. She refused to read her chapter books on her own and only wanted to read with me. I was happy to do that, but she kept asking me at the worst times . . . like while riding a crowded bus. I tried to explain that other people on the bus probably don’t want to hear about Pokémon.

On Monday morning she threw a fit because she had to read her books for school . . . on her own. I asked her what was going on. She said, “I just want to spend time with you.”

Frozen yogurt

My wacko – blueberry frozen yogurt with blueberries, marshmallows, rainbow sprinkles, and Oreos

“We spend a lot of time together, Abby. Saturday we went to dinner and the bookstore. We walked around downtown and had frozen yogurt. Sunday we went to Marcus’ birthday party and stopped to get sushi on the way home. I love reading with you, but you need to read on your own too.”

She started to cry and explained how she was sad that I went out on Friday night and how she missed me. I hugged her. I told her that I miss her when she’s away too. I told her that she’s my favorite person in the whole wide world and that I love spending time with her more than anything else, but sometimes I like to see my friends too.

I asked her if she remembered when I worked at Rite Aid. She said she did. I asked her if she remembered how little time we got to spend together back then. She said she didn’t  I told her it was hard because when I was off, she was in school and when she was off, I was at work. I told her that she’s the reason I quit my job and started working from home. I told her that what I wanted most was to spend more time with her.

We hugged and I wiped her tears away. We spent the rest of the morning playing cards and laughing.

It’s Thursday now and everything’s back to normal . . . despite the days I spent feeling guilty over things I know I shouldn’t feel guilty about. I suppose that never really goes away.

5 Feb

Conversations with my daughter

Posted by Dayle Lynne in Parenting. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

Gay Dad Project braceletsA couple of weeks ago, my boyfriend and I were talking about Girls Scouts and how they donate to LGBT rights organizations. My daughter over-heard and asked what we were talking about, so I explained. For the first time, I gave her the terms. She’s known the meaning behind the terms for a while now, but she’s never had the vocabulary . . . the labels. But since she overheard me use the acronym, I thought it was appropriate to explain what those letters meant.

She, once again, expressed her belief that two people who love each other should be allowed to get married . . . even two boys or two girls. That’s pretty much as far as the issue went with her. She doesn’t know about anti-gay bullying and the discrimination that exists on a daily basis. I’m not ready for her to fully know that world, but I did explain that there was a lot more to it than just being able to marry someone of the same gender. I specifically mentioned how some people can actually lose their jobs. I wish I could have taken a picture of the look on her face . . . a look that just screamed, “THAT is the stupidest thing I have ever heard.”

And you know what? It probably is the stupidest thing she’s ever heard.

I don’t believe in using children to make political statements. Children will believe as they are raised to believe. My daughter believes in equality because I’ve raised her with the values of equality. Some of her thoughts are her own . . . some are just mirrors of my own. I do believe in open and honest communication with children . . . and I believe that when left to truly share their own thoughts, they have so much to teach us.

My daughter does not fully understand a world where someone would discriminate against another person for any reason. So for her to hear these things, it sounds stupid . . . because it is stupid.

A few days ago, we received rainbow bracelets in the mail. They were made by Pete Shea, dad to one of the founders of The Gay Dad Project. I knew my daughter would love the pretty-colored and sparkly bracelet without any explanation, but I didn’t want to give it to her without her understanding the meaning behind it.

I explained to my daughter that some people take a long time to tell others that they are gay, that some are afraid of discrimination or that family and friends won’t understand and will turn them away. I explained that some people try to pretend that they’re straight just so they can fit in and even sometimes get married to someone of the opposite sex and have kids. I told her that that’s exactly what happened with the dads of a few of my friends. I told her how it was difficult for them when their dads finally came out later on.

We talked about how divorce can be hard no matter what and she nodded. She added, “Well, sometimes it can be fun because you get a whole birthday month!” (referring to the multiple celebrations between both families) I smiled and said, “Yes, that’s true.” We talked about how having two families is pretty normal for her considering her dad and I split when she was only 2 ½ and that sometimes it can be more difficult when a child is older because that child is used to both parents being together. I added that it can be even more difficult to find out that one of your parents has been hiding something out of fear.

Then I told her that my friends started this project to help families like theirs and that one of their dads made these bracelets for us. My boyfriend asked her why she thinks a rainbow is used and she thought for a little while before saying, “The colors are all different and beautiful.” We talked about how people are just like the colors of the rainbow . . . all different and beautiful on their own, but something truly special when they all work together.

I put the bracelet on her wrist and the conversation was over.

I led this conversation much more than I usually do. There’s not usually a purpose to our conversations . . . I just like to hear what she’s thinking. This required more explanation on the part of my boyfriend and me, but we stopped often to ask her if she understood and to demonstrate that understanding in her own words.

She’s growing up and continuously learning more and more about the world around her. I’m not always comfortable with that. I want to protect her from harsh realities. I want her world to always be filled with understanding, acceptance, kindness, and love. But she shows me time and time again that she’s capable of taking in this new information without losing her innocence. With all those harsh realities come some truly amazing people and organizations who stand up for what is right, who speak out against discrimination and hate, who make an effort to have a positive influence on the world. The more my daughter learns that people can make a difference, the more she’ll understand that she can make a difference as well.

29 Jan

A visit to Philadelphia City Hall

Posted by Dayle Lynne in Life, Parenting. Tagged: , , , , , .

City Hall 4I didn’t want to go on the field trip. After a night of no sleep and a 2-hour nap in the morning, I was really regretting that little check mark I made next to “chaperone” on the permission slip. Still, I bundled myself up, grabbed my pocket book, and headed for the train. I had made a commitment and a promise.

It was cold and I hate dressing in layers. The trip was going to involve a mile walk with 25 8-year-olds. My head was throbbing a bit. They were predicting snow. Cold, wet, disgusting snow.

The previous night was Family Reading Night . . . and two days in a row involving social interaction is a bit exhausting for me. Still, I stepped off the train, walked up the stairs to the street, and waited for the bus.

City Hall 1I passed Abby in the hall as I headed to her classroom. The enthusiastic, “Mommy!” made me smile and started breaking down my grumpiness. I love how she’s still so excited to have me chaperone. I’m sure the day will come when it’s no longer “cool” to have mom spend so much time at her school. I need to enjoy this while it lasts.

As we made it out the front gate of the school and starting walking toward City Hall, I shed the rest of my grumpiness. The kids’ excitement added to my own anticipation. In 33 years of living in and around Philadelphia, I’ve walked past City Hall more times than I could possibly count, even protested outside once (a funeral march for the death of the arts because there was talk of closing down some of Philadelphia’s magnet schools) . . . but I’ve never gone inside. Funny how it’s so easy to skip the landmark sites when they’re a part of your own backyard.

I listened to our guide tell the same stories I heard in elementary school – William Penn and Penn’s Woods, mapping out the city like a grid (though I didn’t know it was because of fire safety), the City of Brotherly Love (and Sisterly Affection), the treaty with the Lenape . . . I found myself enjoying it as much as the kids. She said she wished she had more time to talk about William Penn and all other things Philadelphian. I wished she did as well.

City Hall 5

We took the kids upstairs to the observation deck underneath the William Penn Statue, which obviously, I’ve never been to either since I had never been inside City Hall. My daughter and I were in the last group to go up. It was amazing looking out over the city. Walking through my familiar neighborhoods day by day, I forget how big and how busy the city is. I could have spent hours up there . . . . I’d love to sit looking out at the view with a pen and notebook in hand, jotting down lines and couplets and stanzas.

City Hall 6

Our last stop was the city council meeting room with a little talk of what goes on there and the kids asking questions. I love how excited they are to learn about our city’s history and its present. It’s a particularly cool experience to see these things through their eyes.

We left City Hall and walked back to the school. Abby and I gathered her things and headed out to the bus. We managed to get out early enough to get ahead of the high school kids . . . total bonus. It started snowing before we made it to our connecting bus. It was still cold. My head was still a little throbby. But I no longer regretted checking that little box.

We settled in at home . . . snuggled on the couch to watch a movie. Over dinner we talked about everything we learned . . . and some of the other little bit of history I know. We started planning a trip for the Spring . . . we’re going to play tourists and see all of the wonderful landmarks that call our city home. I think it’s time to stop ignoring our beautiful backyard.

24 Jan

An all-day mother/daughter play date

Posted by Dayle Lynne in Life, Parenting. Tagged: , , , , .

A professional development day and my boyfriend visiting his mom in New York gave my daughter and me the rare opportunity to spend the entire day with just each other.

The morning was fairly lazy – Abby playing with her toys, me responding to emails and Skype chatting with my boyfriend . . . with the occasional relaying of messages between Abby and Kes. Last week, Kes stole Abby’s computer chair because his was broken. Abby said she thinks he stole her chair because she stole his sleeping spot to use as her reading nook. I should have known that their usual banter wouldn’t stop just because he was in another state!

The early afternoon rolled around and I pushed my laptop aside. I forgot that I needed to go to the bank. We bundled up and I asked Abby if she wanted to ride her scooter to bank. It’s an electric scooter that my dad gave her for her birthday. She’s only been out on it two or three times and still needed practice maintaining her balance.

What could have been a tedious trip chock full of come on Abby, hurry ups, was filled instead with a lot of great job!s and stop at corner and wait for mes. She did extremely well . . . just an occasional jump and scream with a reminder from me to use her brakes. I watched her as we traveled along, wondering how she could have possibly grown up so much right in front of me, wondering how I could make it all slow down.

Play date 1

We stopped at the grocery store on the way back to pick up a few things for dinner, and then headed home for a bit more time on the scooter. We came inside to warm up and Abby played with her dry erase activity board. We listened to music (a combination of the Dr. Horrible soundtrack and the High School Musical 2 soundtrack) while we played Dots, drew super heroes, and played MASH . . . I liked how her version of MASH included clothing colors, cars, TV shows, and friends . . . and not boys to one day marry (as I remember playing when I was in 2nd grade).

Play date 2

I thought about how my daughter, love of princesses and all, was still a very strong-willed and independent child. She has crushes on boys and talks about her future children (whom she says she will adopt because she doesn’t want the pain of childbirth), but also about her future career as a marine biologist who will do some acting on the side and then write a book.

She likes to play dress up and paint her nails, build with LEGOS, read chapter books and comic books, watch TV shows and movies about time travel, draw pictures and write stories, play video games, sing and dance (off-key and out of rhythm, just like her mother), ride her scooter and swing on swings . . . she’s wonderfully diverse . . . silly, sometimes overly emotional, intelligent, curious, creative, and so much more . . . and the greatest joy in my life is that I get to watch her grow up.

Bow ties are cool!

Bow ties are cool!

I made dinner while she read her book. We sat down to eat and talked about nothing in particular. After dinner we snuggled on the couch for a mini Doctor Who marathon. We watched Bad Wolf, The Parting of Ways, and The Christmas Invasion.

The first time we watched The Parting of Ways was the first time my daughter was introduced to concept of bisexuality. She was confused when Captain Jack kissed Rose and then kissed the Doctor. I told her that just how some boys like boys and some girls like girls, some people like both boys and girls and Captain Jack was one of those people. She accepted it easily and we went back to watching. I didn’t tell her that her mom was one of those people too.

As we watched that scene again, she giggled a little bit (there’s always giggling or ewwing with kissing). She mentioned how Captain Jack was one of her favorite characters. I told her that he was one of mine too. She said she’s going to have four kids when she grows up and she’s going to name them Rose, Martha, Mickey, and Captain Jack (yes, that will be my grandson’s full first name). I told her she was silly.

I thought about telling her that her mom is bisexual, but I didn’t.  I’m not concerned about her reaction . . . I just don’t want to make a big deal out of something that’s not a big deal . . . I don’t want her to interpret my admission as something I think is a big deal . . . I want ease and normalcy and nonchalance. I know I’m over-thinking it.

Maybe the next time we watch a Captain Jack episode.

We finished our three episodes of Doctor Who and it was time for bed. I yawned and she told me she wasn’t tired. I told her she better get tired fast because her 4-day weekend was over! She laughed. She got ready for bed and I tucked her in.

She put her headphones on and I smiled as I walked out of the room listening to her sing (loudly and off-key, just like her mother). Our days are often spent filled with obligation and necessity. After school is snack time and then homework . . . maybe a few minutes to play before dinner . . . then cooking and eating . . . then we’re left with an hour and a half to squeeze in as much quality time as possible. It’s never enough.

I wish I had more days like this . . . more days to savor my child as she is now, as she will never be again . . . because it all moves so fast and there’s nothing I can do to slow it down.

14 Dec

Just some thoughts from one of many moms whose heart is breaking

Posted by Dayle Lynne in Life, News, Parenting. Tagged: , , .

My daughter just left to go to her dad’s for the weekend and it’s taking every ounce of strength I have not to run out my door and go after her. I know she’s safe in her other home. I know she’s with people she loves and who love her. But I want her here, in front of me, in my arms, under my roof . . . where I can protect her.

We sat at the dining room table eating lunch this afternoon. We joked around and laughed. We talked about schools. I told Abby that by the time I was in 2nd grade, I was on my third elementary school. I told her how cool it was that she’s going to get to stay in the same school through 8th grade and then she can decide what high school she wants to go to or apply to. She asked if there was a high school that focused on marine biology. I told her that I would research to find one that was focused on sciences. She was excited. I laughed and told her to calm down . . . she still has 6 years before we have to worry about it!

After lunch, I sat down at my computer to check my email and scroll through Facebook. I saw a couple of statuses about a gunman and a school and teachers and kids who were shot. My chest got tight. I kept scrolling and found the articles. My hands were shaking as I read about what happened in Newtown, Connecticut. It was difficult to breathe and I couldn’t stop crying.

I looked over at my daughter – still sitting at the dining room table using chalk pastels to draw pictures of the TARDIS and Christmas trees. She was off from school today because of report card conferences. I called her over and held her tightly and kissed her head. She asked me why I was crying. I told her that some people were hurt today and that I was really sad. I told her that I love her more than anything in the world, that I will always love her. She smiled and told me about her teacher who likes Doctor Who too. My arms were still wrapped around her. I never wanted to let go.

There are so many things we take for granted . . . and there are so many things we should be able to take for granted, like our children’s safety when they go to school and that they will finish elementary and middle school and go on to high school and college.

There is so much sadness and worry and fear in my heart tonight. I cannot imagine what the parents of Sandy Hook Elementary School are going through right now. I want to wrap them all in hugs. I want to make the hurt and the violence and the evilness all go away. I want to bring their babies back.

And I want to go to bed tonight knowing that my daughter will grow up and have a chance to fulfill all of her dreams.

12 Dec

Sesame Street tackles divorce

Posted by Dayle Lynne in Kids, Life, News, Parenting. Tagged: , , , , , , .

or Um, why is this controversial?

Sesame StreetThere are a lot of articles I read that seem to provoke controversy. Some I understand and many I don’t. The latest to fit into the latter category is the fact that an upcoming segment of Sesame Street (which is only airing online, by the way, not on TV) will discuss divorce using one of their more recent characters, Abby Cadabby.

The issues regarding the segment (or the idea behind the segment because I doubt most of those complaining have even watched the teaser) seem to hold a few common themes – we should let kids be kids, television is not the place for kids to learn these things (or parents should be the ones talking to their kids), and the only preschool-aged children who should learn about divorce are those whose parents are getting one.

Televising a character with whom real-life children can relate is not keeping kids from being kids. This is a real issue. Real kids deal with this. I certainly don’t think we should talk to children the same way we talk to adults, but we shouldn’t treat them as if they’re stupid either. As a parent and a former teacher, I can assure you that children understand a lot more than we give them credit for. I would prefer to sit down and talk with kids about the real-life things they see and experience on a daily basis than to ignore them altogether, leaving kids to run wild with their imaginations.

So yes, parents should be the ones talking to their kids about these things, but why does it have to be one or the other? My ex-husband and I separated when my daughter was 2 ½ years old. I remember with perfect clarity the night my ex moved out. I remember trying to explain to my daughter that her daddy wasn’t going to live with us anymore and how she was going to have two homes. I would have loved to sit down with her and watch an episode of a show she already knew that showed a character she already loved who has gone through exactly what she was going through.

As for only discussing it with kids who have divorced parents, why is it not okay to explain different types of families to children? Having divorced parents is a lot more common now than when I was a kid. I felt like the only one in school whose parents didn’t live together. It was isolating at times because other kids just didn’t understand. Similarly, I didn’t understand kids whose families were different from mine. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to teach kids that families are unique and work in so many different ways.

One of Abby’s favorite songs as a toddler and preschooler was We All Sing with the Same Voice, or as she called it, My Hair is Black and Red (since that’s the first line). She used to make me sing it over and over and over and over again. (Oh, and it’s a song from Sesame Street.) The song is about how kids come from all different places, have all kinds of families, like all kinds of different things, but how they still have things in common. One of her favorite books was Whoever You Are by Mem Fox, also about the differences and similarities of children around world. Both have been excellent teaching tools and neither disallowed my kid from being a kid.

From Mr. Hooper’s death to dealing with fires and hurricanes, Sesame Street has always offered honest explanations to kids about real-life events, not to mention a cast that demonstrates real-world diversity. This segment on divorce is following a well-established path of talking to kids at their level about things going on in their lives, and I 100% support that.

Photo Credit

***Side note – my daughter walked over to the computer when I pulled up the YouTube video for We All Sing with the Same Voice, so I decided to ask her thoughts about this. I said, “What would you think if, when you watched Sesame Street, there was a character who had divorced parents?”

She responded, “Actually, I’d think I have a lot in common with that character and that we should play together.”

I told her about the upcoming segment and how Abby Cadabby’s parents are divorced. She gasped and said, “We do have a lot in common!” (If you’re new to my blog, my daughter’s name is Abby :) )***

8 Jul

Single parenting, child abuse, and Wisconsin

Posted by Dayle Lynne in Parenting, Politics. Tagged: , , , , , , .

I don’t really write about my ex-husband or my divorce on this blog. I rarely even mention either of them, and that has been a conscious decision. There are some things that I just don’t feel are appropriate for me to discuss on such a public venue for a variety of reasons – the most important of which is that my daughter might read this someday.

I’m deviating from that general rule a little bit tonight so that I can express a few of the things that brought me to where I am today . . . a few of the reasons I have taken on the role of a single mother.

Since I was in my early teens, I fully believed that I would never get married. I never wanted to get married. I thought it was archaic and unnecessary. I thought if you loved someone and wanted to spend your life with that someone, you didn’t need a piece of paper and a ring in order to do it. And I thought if you wanted to no longer be with someone, a piece of paper and a ring wouldn’t keep you around. I’m sure my mom’s three marriages contributed to that philosophy.

But in my early 20s, I found myself in love. I found myself with a man I believed I would spend the rest of my life with. And I found my biological clock going out of control. I wanted to be a mom and there I was with the man I wanted to grow old with . . . and that piece of paper and ring were important to him. So, I got married. And six months later, I was pregnant.

Things were great for a while, but by the time my daughter was 2 ½ years old, she rarely saw her father and me happy together (unless, of course, we were in public). I won’t go into the details . . . they’re not important for this. Quite simply, life had changed each of us. Saying we were no longer the same people we were when we met, when we fell in love, when we got married would be a gross understatement.

I fought for a long time to make things work, but we were both miserable . . . all the time. I came to believe that the best thing for us and for our daughter would be to end the marriage. Later he came to believe the same. I thought it would be better for her to be raised by two happy parents who were not together than by two miserable parents who were.

Of course, it all came with a ton of guilt. I felt like a failure. I felt like the worst mom in the world. I felt like I did everything wrong and it was all my fault. I think that’s a normal reaction when a major relationship ends . . . especially when a child is involved.

Still, I stand by that decision and I know that all three of us are happier than we would have been.

I don’t think I’m the world’s best mom. Most of the time, I don’t think I’m a great mom. Sometimes, I don’t even think I’m a very good mom. If you’re a mom (or a dad), you can probably relate to that. What I know is that I do the absolute best I can for my daughter every single day. I know that she is the number one priority behind every decision I make. I know I love her more than anything else in this life. And I know that even though she can drive me crazy at times, she’s a really great kid and I’m at least partially responsible for that.

So, when I read this article tonight about a Wisconsin state senator who has introduced a bill that would require “the Child Abuse and Neglect Prevention Board to emphasize nonmarital parenthood as a contributing factor to child abuse and neglect,” I got pissed off. In fact, I got completely fucking livid.

Glen Grothman believes the Left discourages people from getting married and encourages them to have children out of wedlock so that those children will then become dependent on the government. In fact, he wrote all about “How The United States and the State of Wisconsin are Working to Encourage Single-Motherhood and Discouraging Children in 2-Parent Families.”

I could probably write an entire book on the issues I have with Grothman’s theories about family. To think for one second that most single parents choose this for financial gain isn’t just ridiculous, it’s completely fucking stupid.

After my separation, I had to move in with a friend and rent a couple of bedrooms from her house because I could no longer afford my tiny 2-bedroom apartment. I worked every second of over time I could . . . sacrificing time with my daughter . . . so I could keep myself above water. The only “social program” I used was WIC . . . and thank heavens for that because the milk for my lactose-intolerant daughter was $9 a gallon.

I could go on, but the point is that being a single parent is not easy. And while I know there are people who “abuse the system,” you’re completely bat-shit insane if you think most of us want this!

Oh, and I love how Grothman emphasizes single mothers . . . as if fathers don’t factor in to single parenting . . . but I digress . . .

So single parenting as a contributing factor to child abuse? Dave Riley, a Human Development and Family Studies professor summed up most of my thoughts – This is from another article about Grothman’s bill:

“Research has found that leaving a conflictual marriage actually improves parent-child relationships, particularly if the co-parents get along better after separating. . . . Regardless of what kind of family you live in, the important thing is the quality of the relationships within that family.”

To get back to my personal perspective, my daughter is happy, healthy, well cared for, and loved as much as any child could possibly be loved. She spends her time between two homes that are chock full of smiles and laughter instead of arguments and tears.

And I am the parent I am today not despite being a single mom but because of it.

28 Apr

Dinner with my daughter

Posted by Dayle Lynne in Parenting. Tagged: , , , .

We were supposed to go to an event at my daughter’s school last night. She was looking forward to it. I was (mostly) looking forward to it. We went last year and had fun. But I kind of wasn’t in the mood for socializing. My boyfriend’s out of town for the week and I fully admit that when it comes to most social situations, I am rather co-dependent. The whole social anxiety blah blah blah. But I made a promise to my daughter and I refused to break it.

As I was getting ready to pick my daughter up from the bus stop, I discovered my “out”. I’d give her a choice. So, when she got off the bus, I asked her if she would rather go to the school event or go out and have a mommy/daughter dinner. As expected, she chose the latter.

A mommy/daughter dinner meant shorter travel time. It meant not getting home nearly as late. It meant one bus instead of two. But, and so much more importantly, it meant time spent with just the two of us – no TV, no computer, nothing to distract either of us from each other. And it was pretty awesome.

Apparently, she was cold but didn't want to use her hood :p

We talked about her day at school. She aced a spelling test and a math test today. She had music class and they practiced for their spring play. It’s a play about statues. Hers is Egyptian. We talked about her friends and how everything was going with them. We talked about bullies and how it’s never, ever okay to bully someone . . . and how if she is ever bullied, she should always, always tell a trusted grown-up. We talked about what to do if one of her friends ever bullied someone else.

She’s a pretty smart lil’ kid.

We talked about musical instruments and she said she wanted to play piano. I asked if she wanted lessons. She said she did. I told her it would mean a lot of practicing. She changed her mind. I told her with baseball and soccer and karate going on, I wasn’t going to make her take on anything else, but to let me know if she wanted to.

I told her I could see her Mom-mom Janice in her. I thought about those mother/daughter breakfasts my mom and I would go to when I was a kid. I miss those.

We ate dinner and dessert. She had ice cream with rainbow jimmies. I had carrot cake. I showed her how to tip and told her why we tip and then we left. We played the animal game as we walked to the bus stop. We played the animal game on the bus. We played the animal game as we walked down the street. Before we played, I used my phone to look up animals that started with “X” so she couldn’t trick me this time.

It was just one dinner. We were only gone from the house for about an hour and a half, but it was a very significant hour and a half. I realized that I don’t get a lot of time like this with my daughter. We play games a lot. We go to baseball. We go to school events. We sing songs and dance. We talk while we play games and on the way to baseball and at school events and while we sing songs and dance . . . but we don’t often sit down, just the two of us, and have a conversation.

I need to work on that.

8 Apr

Through my daughter’s eyes

Posted by Dayle Lynne in Life, Parenting. Tagged: , , .

As a child, my mom was perfect. She could do no wrong. Sure we’d fight and I’d get mouthy and say mean things and she’d yell and take away a toy or a privilege. But that would end and I’d be left with the best mom in the world.

She knew how to make boos boos go away. She took me to special mother-daughter breakfasts. She gave me random cards that said how much she loved me. She baked cookies with me and let me lick the spoon. She had the most beautiful smile and an amazing laugh.

About a year ago, I sat on the couch with my daughter watching American Idol. When Jennifer Lopez walked out, she nonchalantly said, “She looks really pretty tonight, but not as pretty as you.”

The other night we were watching the show and I asked her if she remembered telling me that. She said, “Yeah and you’re still prettier than her.”

The truly amazing part is that she really believes it. To my daughter, I am beautiful. I am the best mom in the world. I give the best hugs. I make the best dippy eggs. I’m a great dancer and singer. I do everything perfectly to take care of her when she’s sick. I am the best at all of the things that matter most in her world.

To my daughter, I am not fat. I’m not clumsy. I’m not awkward and socially inept. I don’t have bad teeth or frizzy hair. I’m not tone deaf. It doesn’t matter to her if the house is a little (or a lot) messy. It doesn’t matter to her how much money I make or what kind of clothes I wear.

To my daughter, I’m perfect just the way I am. I am to her what my mom was to me.

I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. I’ve been thinking about how many of my problems would disappear if I could learn to see myself through my daughter’s eyes.

I have always said that we can learn a lot from our children if we just take the time to listen. I’m trying. I really am.

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