Archive for the ‘Politics’ Category

21 Mar

Why I’m pro-choice

Posted by Dayle Lynne in Health, Politics. Tagged: , , , , , .

Pro-choice 1I once considered myself adamantly pro-life . . . well, I still do . . . it would be more accurate to say that I once considered myself to be adamantly against the legality of abortion. With the exception of any religious argument (it never came from a religious perspective for me, just my personal feelings about life in the womb), if you’ve made a statement against legal access to abortion services, I’ve made them too. It wasn’t until about 4 or 5 years ago that my position changed, but the more I think about it, the more I understand that my thought process began changing nearly 20 years ago.

I was 15 years old when I found out that a 12-year-old neighbor of mine was pregnant. As far as I know, the sex was consensual with another child of the same age. I also found out that she had an abortion and that the family’s decision was based primarily on the fact that her 12-year-old body . . . the body of a child . . . might not have survived pregnancy, labor, and delivery. I still believed abortion was wrong, but I also believed that a 12-year-old should not risk death because she made one mistake.

For years after that, I was the typical “except in cases of rape, incest, and danger to the life of the mother” pro-lifer. I was very firm in that position. I believed in the overturning of Roe v. Wade. I remember having a discussion with a friend in college and explaining this position to her. She said, “Well, what about a woman who suffers from severe depression? What if she can’t psychologically handle a pregnancy? What if the change in hormones is what will put her over the edge?”

I stumbled a bit. I said it wasn’t the same. She asked me why. I couldn’t answer. She knew I wouldn’t be able to answer because we had had several discussions on mental illnesses . . . on those silent diseases that people are told to just “get over,” as if the effects are not real. She knew that I never met my paternal grandmother because she was bipolar and committed suicide when my father was 8 years old. She knew I lost a friend to suicide when I was in high school. She knew I was on medication for anxiety. She knew that I believed that mental illnesses were every much as real as physical ones.

Still, I didn’t change my mind. I’m stubborn and when I believe in something strongly, it takes a while for me to admit I was wrong. But over the next few years, this thought festered inside of me.

And then, thanks to technology, thanks to the internet and social media, I began to hear more and more personal stories. I began to comprehend the choice other women might make. And most importantly, I began to understand that it was none of my fucking business.

What I believe, what thoughts I have, what makes me uncomfortable is completely irrelevant. If we make it necessary for women jump through hoops to obtain a safe and legal abortion, we risk lives, we risk health, we risk sanity. Let’s say we made abortion illegal “except in cases of rape, incest, and danger to the life of the mother,” who decides those things? Do we put a judge in every hospital room? Do we ask the Todd Akins of the world what constitutes “forcible rape”? Do we allow the Joe Walshes of the world to decide when the life of the mother is at risk?

All of those thoughts started running through my head and they made me uncomfortable. The more “exceptions” I understood, the more I realized fighting to criminalize abortion was not only the wrong answer, it was just wrong.

I am still pro-life. I am pro- the life of the mother. I am pro- the lives of the future children she wants to have. I am pro- life-saving information and education. I am pro- affordable access to birth control that would prevent the need for an abortion in the first place. I am pro- understanding that I can’t understand what another person is going through and that I have no right to impose what would be my decisions on her life.

Pro-choice 2

Photo Credit 1
Photo Credit 2

 

17 Jan

Thoughts on being poor, working hard, getting help, and passing judgment

Posted by Dayle Lynne in Life, Politics. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

If only . . .A couple of years ago, my boyfriend and I were talking with a family friend. She made a joke about college kids not knowing anything until they get into the real world. I said, “Hey, I . . .” But I didn’t get to finish the sentence before she responded with, “Dayle, you’ve always been real world.”

I’ve done a lot of taking care of myself in my life. Part of that was pure circumstance. Part of it was my own warped mentality that I need to do things on my own with little to no help from anyone. Looking back, I could give you at least a half a dozen examples of how one simple choice would have made the rest of my life so much easier.

Still, they were my choices and I don’t regret them, even if they have caused me to struggle through much of my life. Honestly, I don’t mind it. Sure, it would be nice to have a hefty savings account and a retirement plan and all that jazz. It would be nice to know that if an emergency occurred I would be able to take care of it. But all in all, knowing my bills are paid, there’s a roof over my head, and there’s food in the fridge is enough for me.

I have aspirations. I have dreams I am still pursuing. There is so much more I want out of this life, but money has never been a driving force for me. The little things truly do make me happy. And as much as I struggle from time to time, I know I’m okay. That was not always the case.

There was a period in my life when I didn’t know how I was going to make it through the next day. I would empty my daughter’s piggy bank just to buy food for the week. Hot dogs and mac & cheese were staples in our diet. I knew how to make a small whole chicken last for a week. And well, thank goodness for WIC.

I rationed diapers, paid bills with credit cards, used free sample packages of shampoo and conditioner . . . I got creative everywhere I could.

I remember scrounging around for quarters so I could wash clothes. I was a penny short. No exaggeration. I stopped by Rite Aid with two dimes and four pennies and asked the cashier if she could add the penny on top of the register to give me a quarter. Embarrassing? Yeah, but at least we had clean clothes. Of course, I still couldn’t afford to dry them so my apartment looked like a hamper exploded.

My exhaustion during that time cannot be put into words. And still, I would have gladly picked up a second job if I could have found one that would pay me anything after I took out for child care.

There’s a belief, held mostly by those on the right, that hard work equals money and that as long people get off their asses and put forth the effort, they will have more than enough to get by. I can tell you from experience that that is just not the case.

I won’t deny that some people are just lazy and that some of those lazy people are poor because they’re lazy. I won’t deny that some people are extremely hard workers and that some of those people are rich because they’re hard workers. But the opposite is true just as often in both cases.

Several months ago, a Facebook friend posted an anecdote about a teacher who taught his students the evils of socialism by giving all students the same grade – an average of all their grades – regardless of their individual efforts. The result was that the lazy students got lazier because they didn’t have to work as hard and that the hard-working students got lazier because they were tired of working hard and not seeing the full rewards. There are two fundamental problems with that analogy. One, it presumes that hard work equals more money. And two, it assumes that everyone starts out on an equal playing field.

Everyone is not born with the same opportunities as everyone else. I’m tired of hearing about the so-called hand-outs that apparently all liberals are looking for. Nobody has ever gotten to where they are alone. Nobody.

As low as I’ve been, the only government program I have ever been a part of was WIC because as low as I’ve been, I’ve always managed to scrape by. But I won’t sit here and tell you that I didn’t have help. I may have hated asking for it and I may have avoided asking for it as long as possible, but I have an incredible family who would never let me fall.

I had family members who gave me things to sell on Craigslist and at yard sales. I had friends who knew that diapers were a much better gift than some trinket that would sit on a shelf. I had a sister-in-law who inspired me to bring out my inner bitch when my apparent lacked heat for a month – that inner bitch scored me a month of free rent. I had a friend who needed a roommate to keep her house when I could no longer afford to keep my apartment.

For all my independence, I’ve had help and I am eternally grateful for everything everyone has ever done for me. I am lucky to have these people in my life . . . there are those who are not nearly as lucky.

The amount of judgment placed on those less fortunate is staggering. The presumptuous attitude that anyone asking for help is just too lazy to do for themselves is disturbing. We are here, on this planet, together. We all need each other, in one way or another.

The minute we decide someone else’s worth by the amount or type of help that person needs at any given time is the minute we lose our humanity.

Photo Credit

24 Oct

Just because I can “pass” doesn’t mean it’s not personal

Posted by Dayle Lynne in Life, Politics. Tagged: , , , , , .

I was going to start this by writing that I have been much more vocal about my sexuality lately, but if I’m being completely straightforward, it’s not just being more vocal, it’s being vocal at all. I’ve never actually lied. I never went out of my way to hide it. But I have filtered myself.

There were a few real life friends who knew I was bisexual, but it wasn’t something I wanted many people knowing. Over the past several years, it started to bother me more and more. It wasn’t inhibiting my day-to-day life, but I felt like I was holding back. I felt like I couldn’t speak up about an aspect of who I am. And, well, if you know me at all, you know it’s not like me to keep my mouth shut about anything.

It was a letter writing project over at Lick the Fridge that helped push me to write the words, post them (or have them posted), and share them. I don’t know how many people read that letter, but there was very little reaction, which honestly, was fucking awesome. So the next time I wrote about it, it was easier. And each time after that, it was easier. And now, it’s just natural.

I write about it in the same vein that I write about any other part of my life, and that’s all I really wanted. But there was a less desirable side effect of becoming vocal about my bisexuality. It made me think about it more and that made me more aware of things that were always just under the surface.

I’ve been an advocate for LGBT rights for a long time. I can’t tell you exactly how long because it’s always just been what it was, what made sense to me . . . that all people should have the same rights. Discrimination is discrimination and there’s nothing else to it. But something’s happened over the past several months – it’s become much more personal.

Since putting that word out there in print, since stating, “I am bisexual,” I understand with much more clarity that when you take apart the letters in LGBT, I’m in there.

Now I won’t even begin to claim that I’ve gone through even a fraction of the discrimination as those whose sexual orientation is worn like a neon sign. Since my serious relationships have always been with men, I have never had to worry about walking down the street holding my girlfriend’s hand. At this moment, my boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. The issue of marriage equality does not affect me directly and it’s likely it never will. I have never been bullied because of my sexual orientation. Hell, I still don’t think most of my family even knows because they’re generally not internet people.

But just because I can pass for straight doesn’t make the fight for equality any less personal to me. If you don’t think LGBTs are deserving of equal rights, guess what – I’m in that group. You don’t think I should be treated equally and yes, that stings.

In that first letter, I wrote about how the women I worked with at a day care center found out I was bisexual and how it “skeeved them out.” I didn’t even realize until a few months ago that I could have legally been fired from that job just because I’m bisexual. It’s a terrifying thought.

I read an article on HuffPost Gay Voices the other day – Please De-Friend Me. It was written by a gay man who quite bluntly said, “If you vote for Romney, de-friend me.” While I am not making that same stand (I suppose you could say I hate the sin and not the sinner), I understand his position completely.

This election is personal to me on multiple levels. It’s personal as a woman, as someone who has struggled economically, as a single mother, as someone who cannot afford health insurance, and yes, as a bisexual. And it is very difficult for me to even try to understand how people who say they love me can stand so strongly against my rights.

Photo Credit

18 Sep

Why I won’t vote third party

Posted by Dayle Lynne in Politics. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

I’ve never really considered myself a Democrat, a liberal yes, but not a Democrat. I don’t think the two are synonymous. I would be a registered Independent, but I’d like to be able to vote in the Democratic primary. I’ve voted third party in local elections and I strongly advocate that other people seek out and know their local third party candidates and consider doing the same.

I have not, however, ever voted for a third party candidate in a presidential election (there haven’t really been many – this will be my 4th). While I don’t consider it a “wasted” vote, I do think it is an unwisely used vote.

Like many other people, I don’t think the two-party system is ideal. Like many other people, I’d like to see a prominent third party . . . or better yet, a complete dissolution of the party system. Unfortunately, that’s not going to happen any time soon. I think it has the potential to happen in my lifetime, especially considering the continuing advancements in the reach of social media, but it’s still very far off.

The sad fact is that a third party candidate will not win the presidential election . . . primarily because most people have no clue who the third party candidates are. I took a quiz online a month or so ago. It said I agreed very heavily with Green Party candidate Jill Stein. I had never heard of her, so I did some research and sure enough, I really liked the vast majority of her policies. But I won’t vote for her.

I need to look at the real choices the lie in front of me, and as unjust as that might be, my choices are Obama or Romney. One of them will win this election.

We hear the phrase “voting for the lesser of two evils” when talking about our presidential election. I can honestly say that I am not voting for a lesser of two evils. I’m not even voting against one candidate rather than for the other.

I’m voting for ownership of my own body. I’m voting for the right of my gay and lesbian friends to get married and raise families. I’m voting for their right (and mine) to not be fired because of sexual orientation or gender identity. I’m voting for all citizens of the United States to have affordable access to health care so that nobody has to die because of a lack of health insurance or go broke because of medical bills. I’m voting for cleaner energy. I’m voting for the rights of people and not of corporations. And I’m voting for the candidate who offers me the best chance to see these things or continue to see these things happen.

Of course I don’t agree with everything President Obama has done. I don’t think a person on this planet exists who I would agree with 100%. I don’t think one exists that you would either. But I’m not voting for a lesser of evils. I’m voting for my future. I’m voting for my daughter’s future.

Photo Credit

6 Aug

Where I stand on this Chick-Fil-A thing

Posted by Dayle Lynne in Politics. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 5 years. For at least 3 ½ of those years, he has been helping me raise my daughter. Regardless of our marital standing, he is very much a father figure in her life. He doesn’t want to get married – it’s never been on his radar. I’m of the “been there, done that, no thanks” mindset. Still, I love him and he’s been a positive part of my life for a long time now.

Oh, and he happens to be black.

I don’t really bring that up unless it’s pertinent to a conversation, which isn’t really often (pretty much only when I talk about his parents moving here from Guyana or when I’m telling the story of when my daughter told me “Kes’ skin is different from mine” and then followed it up with “mine’s smooth and his is dry”). But it’s pertinent to this conversation.

My father is racist. He always has been. As a teenager, he told me that he would disown me if I ever dated a black man. When I was 17, I went with a black friend to a school dance – I made sure to send my dad a picture (we weren’t speaking at the time – it’s a complicated relationship).

A little over a year ago, my dad said to me, “I’m still prejudice, but I really like Kes. No, really. I’m still prejudice, but I like him.”

But things weren’t always so docile and there was a point when I almost lost my family over this . . . and I’m fairly certain they’re not even aware of it.

After Kes and I had been dating for 2 ½ years, I took a big step. I asked my aunt if I could invite him to our family Christmas party (it’s held at her house). I didn’t tell her he was black. I didn’t think I needed to. I was going to have a talk with my father about it, but Kes wasn’t even sure if he could make it, so I figured I’d wait until we knew for certain if it would even need to be discussed – because prior to this, Kes was only known as my friend.

Well, people talk and my family is no different. They put two and two together and there was a big issue. My father wouldn’t speak to me about it. My boyfriend was uninvited – not because anyone else in my family cared about the color of his skin, but because my father wouldn’t show up if Kes did. I cried for weeks. I didn’t want to go, but I went anyway because I didn’t want to keep my daughter from the rest of my family.

The following year, I was riddled with anxiety. All I could think was, “What am I teaching my daughter if I don’t stand up and say, ‘This is not okay’?” And I came to a decision – a conviction I would not have wavered from. I decided to take my daughter to the family party one last time and a week or two later, I would talk to my family and explain that I would not be going to another one until my boyfriend was welcome.

It was very difficult and emotional for me. It wasn’t that I had come to any new understanding about how discrimination was wrong. It wasn’t that it wasn’t wrong before and it was wrong now. It was that I came to a point where I was prepared to lose some of the people I love because it was more important to me that I stood up for what was right. (Luckily, it never had to go there. Without any discussion or explanation, my boyfriend was invited to the party that year.)

I know, I said this was going to be about Chick-Fil-A, right? So why am I writing about the racial tensions surrounding my relationship? Because I have recently come to the same difficult and emotional place that I did 2 ½ years ago.

On Thursday afternoon, I posted this message on Facebook:

“My heart hurts for those who are mistreated, abused, discriminated against, killed, and scorned all because of who they happen to love. My heart hurts even more because there are so many people that are uniformed, misinformed, or just indifferent to all of that. Over the past few days, I have seen things that I really wish I could unsee — sides to people I care about that I didn’t know existed. I’ve been very emotional and it’s been extremely difficult for me to maintain any sense of diplomacy, but I have been trying.

“I’m not usually one for melodramatic exits, but I needed to get that one last thought out there. I think I just need to step away for a little while.”

It wasn’t any major post that brought me to that point – more a straw that broke the camel’s back kind of thing. It was quite simply my daughter’s preschool teacher posting a picture that stated, “I support Chick-Fil-A because I love Jesus.”

Honestly, I didn’t understand why I was so emotional. I didn’t understand why all of this hype was affecting me so deeply. I just knew I needed to step away from it for a bit, so that’s what I did.

I thought about it a lot over the next few days and came to a very clear understanding. After all of my arguments comparing the fight for gay rights to women’s suffrage, to civil rights, to Loving v. Virginia and after all the discussion about tolerance of different opinions and free speech and after all of my unrelenting efforts to remain diplomatic with every blog post, FB status, and article I shared, I developed a conviction stronger than any I had had before.

This is NOT about a difference of opinion. This is NOT about tolerating another’s views. This IS about right and wrong and if you are against gay rights, you are wrong. You’re wrong in the same way that Jim Crow laws were wrong. You’re wrong in the same way that not allowing women to vote was wrong. And I am tired of being “tolerant” of discrimination.

To spell that out a bit more — thinking homosexuality is a sin is an opinion; thinking LGBTs don’t deserve equal rights is not and it is the latter I will not tolerate. And I’m done being diplomatic about it.

Suffragettes did not win the right to vote by being tolerant. The Civil Rights Act did not happen by being tolerant. Loving did not win against Virginia by being tolerant. And we are not going to achieve equality for LGBTs by being tolerant.

This is nothing new to me. It’s not that I had some grand awakening and suddenly believe things differently than I did before. But like the incident with my family, I have come to a point where I am prepared to lose people I care about because standing up for what’s right is more important.

I know most people are tired of hearing about Chick-Fil-A. I know most people are more than ready for all the hype to die down. I’m not. This whole thing has forced a lot of people to show their hands, and I think that’s a good thing. I think it’s a good thing to know where everyone stands on this because I think we may have gotten a bit too comfortable.

There have been a lot of advances lately – more and more states legalizing same-sex marriage, the steady decline of support for DOMA, the end of DADT . . . I think we needed the slap in the face to remind us that there is a still a long, long way to go for equal rights.

And while Chick-Fil-A may not seem like the kind of place to start a grand movement in the fight for equality, I’m sure the same was thought of Woolworth’s 50 years ago.

Photo Credit – Chick-Fil-A

Photo Credit – Suffrage First

Photo Credit – Lunch Counter Protest

1 Aug

Some more thoughts on equality . . . because apparently, I’m not done writing about this

Posted by Dayle Lynne in Politics, Religion. Tagged: , , , , , .

If your religious literature states that homosexuality is a sin, I don’t care. You are perfectly entitled to that belief – just as vegetarians are entitled to believe that eating meat is unethical or  Jehovah’s Witnesses are entitled to believe blood transfusions are immoral or Muslims and Jews are entitled to believe that eating pork is unclean.

However, vegetarians are not trying to outlaw meat-eating, Jehovah’s Witnesses are not protesting outside of blood banks, and Muslims and Jews don’t try to shut down Jimmy Dean factories. But there are plenty of otherwise very rational and kind people who see nothing wrong with trying to impose their religious beliefs on other members of the population by denying rights to homosexuals.

The largest part of this debate (and I still, for the life of me, cannot understand why equal rights is a “debate” . . . especially in 2012) has been the issue of marriage equality, but it goes beyond that. It is still legal in more than half the country to fire someone for being gay (and legal in 2/3 of the country to fire someone for being transgendered). LGBT teens are more likely to be depressed and commit suicide (but not when they live in supportive environments). We’ve all seen the pictures of people beaten, abused, and killed because of their sexual orientation.

Over the past couple of weeks I have heard the argument that supporters of gay rights are hypocritical because they discriminate against Christians or are intolerant of Christians. Saying that someone is discriminating against you/intolerant of you because they say you can’t (or shouldn’t be allowed to) discriminate against someone else is the most backwards argument I’ve ever heard.

Are there supporters who lump all Christians together? Of course, and I don’t agree with them either. I know just as many Christians who support gay rights as those who don’t. And I find it sad that they need to qualify “I’m a Christian” statements with “but not one of those Christians.”

However, the truth is that most of those speaking out against gay rights happen to call themselves Christians and happen to use their religious literature when they speak out. (Kind of like all squares are rectangles but not all rectangles are squares . . . maybe not “all” in this case, but certainly the vast majority of squares are rectangles.)

Do I think they all “hate gay people”? No, I don’t. What I think is that they are misguided and seem to lack understanding and acceptance of the fact that we do not live in a theocracy. This is not a “Christian nation” and we are not bound by biblical principles, regardless of anyone’s interpretation of them.

Do I think some of them “hate gay people”? Of course. How could I not when you have protesters holding signs stating, “God Hates Fags” and “Fags Die God Laughs”? But I don’t think that because you identify yourself as a Christian that you follow along with them.

Are there people out there who bash Christianity and Christians as a whole? Yes. There are people out there who bash just about everything, and I definitely don’t support that.

But here’s thing — if you’re a Christian, I doubt you have ever walked into your church and had to pass protesters holding signs stating, “Death Penalty for Christians.” If you’re a Christian, all 50 states protect you from being fired because of your religion. If you’re a (straight) Christian, you’re legally allowed nationwide to marry the love of your life, to adopt a child without question, to visit your spouse on his/her deathbed no matter what policies a hospital holds, to walk into any bakery and order a cake for your wedding without risk of being told, “We don’t do Christian weddings.”

If I owned a business and told you that it’s my right to refuse service to whomever I want and proceeded to state that I would not serve Christians, there would be a nationwide backlash. And yet many of the same people who would shout discrimination in that case think businesses have every right not to serve LGBTs.

This is not about an “us vs. them” and it’s not about demonizing Christians and Christianity. It’s about demanding equal rights and equal protection to all people. Nothing more. Nothing less.

***I’d like to just say that I really am tired of writing about this. I have lots of other things I want to write about, but as long as this needs to be discussed, I’ll keep discussing it. This particular post was originally meant to be a FB status no more than a few sentences, but thoughts kept pouring, so I made it a blog post.***

Photo Credit

30 Jul

Freedom of speech does not mean freedom from consequences

Posted by Dayle Lynne in Politics. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

There have been many conversations, articles, pictures, and opinions thrown around lately over Chick-Fil-A’s donations to organizations that not only oppose marriage equality but also support “reparative therapy” and use BS studies to compare homosexuality to pedophilia. I wasn’t going to blog about any of that. I participated in and started a couple of Facebook discussions and felt I had my fill of the entire conversation.

I did, however, have another post I wanted to write on a related conversation. But that will have to wait because something else came up today that I need to discuss.

Today, a woman . . . the mom to a really cool, intelligent, and talented 10-year-old (I might be biased – he is my nephew, but seriously, he’s a really awesome kid) . . . and the legal partner of another woman (who, by the way, is also awesome) . . . drove by a local business and noticed a sign they had posted in support of Chick-Fil-A.

Joianne, my sister-in-law (former . . . whatever), left a message for them on their Facebook page. It was calm. It wasn’t vulgar or mean. It just simply stated how she felt. She wrote, “This is somewhere my son loves to pass by and we have been excited to visit. Not anymore. I’m sad to see a local business anti LGBT marriage.”

This business owner could have simply responded with, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but this is what we believe,” and I’m fairly certain it would have ended there. But that’s not how she responded. This is how she responded:

“Isn’t it wonderful Joanne Fraschilla, that you and your son can enjoy the animals here because I have a traditional marriage with a husband who works with me 90 hours a week to take care of these animals, and the summer camp….we’re 66-68years old….there were no gays or queers in our time…..if two old ladies chose to live together..so be it, let them deal with God when they get there…but to have the “face sucking” thrown in my face of two gay lesbians who are totally destroying the “normal balance in a child’s life” as you claim your son…where is the role model that your son needs to know how to act like a man? or will he only see the “one sided selfishness” of a “single parent”…and end up an out cast in society by being “gay” himself because he didn’t have a father as a role model. I’ll pray for you….remember what the bible says: “Lay down with dogs, get up with fleas”…..guess that’s why God invented aids….

THIS LOCAL BUSINESS WILL BE ONE MAN ONE WOMAN ONE GOD MAKES MARRIAGE….AND PROUD TO DO SO….YOU SHOULD BE SO LUCKY TO OWN YOUR OWN BUSINESS”

Like Joianne, I fully believe this woman has a right to her opinions, as psychotic as I might think they are, but when you lash out publicly with such vulgarity and hatred . . . when you personally attack someone like this . . . you deserve whatever backlash it brings.

Joianne started a petition on Change.org. She’s not asking for anything more than an apology. Earlier this evening, Joe from Joe.My.God. also blogged about the incident, helping to drum up more exposure. I think that’s important.

I don’t wish ill towards anyone and it’s not that I long to see someone’s business fall, but when you own a business, you should mind your words. I fully believe that there are more people ready to stand up and speak out against hatred and discrimination than there are those willing to condemn good, honest people solely because of who they happen to love. The response that’s come from this . . . in just the past few hours . . . has helped solidify my faith in that.

Thank you Joianne for standing up for yourself and your family, and thank you to the community for standing behind Joianne.

UPDATE: Since I posted this about an hour ago, Joianne’s story has been told on a bunch of other sites and blogs. Here are just the ones I’ve seen so far:

W. Thomas Adkins

Good As You

TOWLEROAD

Brody’s Notes & Scribbles

supersoygrrrl.tumblr.com

UPDATE: It’s been less than 24 hours since the original message was posted. (At this exact moment, it is 3:27pm on 7/31/12.) Joianne’s story has now been posted to several other news and blog sites, including The Advocate, Huffington Post, and Think Progress. In less than 24 hours her petition has garnered over 800 signatures (300 of them in the last 2 hours alone).

8 Jul

Single parenting, child abuse, and Wisconsin

Posted by Dayle Lynne in Parenting, Politics. Tagged: , , , , , , .

I don’t really write about my ex-husband or my divorce on this blog. I rarely even mention either of them, and that has been a conscious decision. There are some things that I just don’t feel are appropriate for me to discuss on such a public venue for a variety of reasons – the most important of which is that my daughter might read this someday.

I’m deviating from that general rule a little bit tonight so that I can express a few of the things that brought me to where I am today . . . a few of the reasons I have taken on the role of a single mother.

Since I was in my early teens, I fully believed that I would never get married. I never wanted to get married. I thought it was archaic and unnecessary. I thought if you loved someone and wanted to spend your life with that someone, you didn’t need a piece of paper and a ring in order to do it. And I thought if you wanted to no longer be with someone, a piece of paper and a ring wouldn’t keep you around. I’m sure my mom’s three marriages contributed to that philosophy.

But in my early 20s, I found myself in love. I found myself with a man I believed I would spend the rest of my life with. And I found my biological clock going out of control. I wanted to be a mom and there I was with the man I wanted to grow old with . . . and that piece of paper and ring were important to him. So, I got married. And six months later, I was pregnant.

Things were great for a while, but by the time my daughter was 2 ½ years old, she rarely saw her father and me happy together (unless, of course, we were in public). I won’t go into the details . . . they’re not important for this. Quite simply, life had changed each of us. Saying we were no longer the same people we were when we met, when we fell in love, when we got married would be a gross understatement.

I fought for a long time to make things work, but we were both miserable . . . all the time. I came to believe that the best thing for us and for our daughter would be to end the marriage. Later he came to believe the same. I thought it would be better for her to be raised by two happy parents who were not together than by two miserable parents who were.

Of course, it all came with a ton of guilt. I felt like a failure. I felt like the worst mom in the world. I felt like I did everything wrong and it was all my fault. I think that’s a normal reaction when a major relationship ends . . . especially when a child is involved.

Still, I stand by that decision and I know that all three of us are happier than we would have been.

I don’t think I’m the world’s best mom. Most of the time, I don’t think I’m a great mom. Sometimes, I don’t even think I’m a very good mom. If you’re a mom (or a dad), you can probably relate to that. What I know is that I do the absolute best I can for my daughter every single day. I know that she is the number one priority behind every decision I make. I know I love her more than anything else in this life. And I know that even though she can drive me crazy at times, she’s a really great kid and I’m at least partially responsible for that.

So, when I read this article tonight about a Wisconsin state senator who has introduced a bill that would require “the Child Abuse and Neglect Prevention Board to emphasize nonmarital parenthood as a contributing factor to child abuse and neglect,” I got pissed off. In fact, I got completely fucking livid.

Glen Grothman believes the Left discourages people from getting married and encourages them to have children out of wedlock so that those children will then become dependent on the government. In fact, he wrote all about “How The United States and the State of Wisconsin are Working to Encourage Single-Motherhood and Discouraging Children in 2-Parent Families.”

I could probably write an entire book on the issues I have with Grothman’s theories about family. To think for one second that most single parents choose this for financial gain isn’t just ridiculous, it’s completely fucking stupid.

After my separation, I had to move in with a friend and rent a couple of bedrooms from her house because I could no longer afford my tiny 2-bedroom apartment. I worked every second of over time I could . . . sacrificing time with my daughter . . . so I could keep myself above water. The only “social program” I used was WIC . . . and thank heavens for that because the milk for my lactose-intolerant daughter was $9 a gallon.

I could go on, but the point is that being a single parent is not easy. And while I know there are people who “abuse the system,” you’re completely bat-shit insane if you think most of us want this!

Oh, and I love how Grothman emphasizes single mothers . . . as if fathers don’t factor in to single parenting . . . but I digress . . .

So single parenting as a contributing factor to child abuse? Dave Riley, a Human Development and Family Studies professor summed up most of my thoughts – This is from another article about Grothman’s bill:

“Research has found that leaving a conflictual marriage actually improves parent-child relationships, particularly if the co-parents get along better after separating. . . . Regardless of what kind of family you live in, the important thing is the quality of the relationships within that family.”

To get back to my personal perspective, my daughter is happy, healthy, well cared for, and loved as much as any child could possibly be loved. She spends her time between two homes that are chock full of smiles and laughter instead of arguments and tears.

And I am the parent I am today not despite being a single mom but because of it.

12 Jun

A letter about feminism

Posted by Dayle Lynne in Letters, Life, Politics. Tagged: , , , , , .

This is a repost of a letter I wrote to Jared from Lick the Fridge. Read more about this kick-ass letter-writing project here.

On Feminism, Motherhood, and Careers

Jared,

Twice now, I’ve referenced your Betty Friedan post and how I was going to expand on my comment from that post. I figured it was about time I did that!

In my comment, I wrote that I believe many women have taken feminism to mean they have to do everything themselves. Many of us feel we need to have prosperous careers, volunteer for the PTA, keep the house perfect, entertain guests, cook nutritious meals every night, etc. etc. etc. We fear asking for help will mean we are weak. We’re quite often our own worst enemies.

I don’t like speaking in generalizations and the only reason I’ve used “we” here is because the more I talk to other woman about this, the more I realize I am not alone in these feelings.

There are certainly still obstacles to overcome in the way women are portrayed and I won’t even go into the GOP’s determination to take us through a time warp. Politically, I will stand and fight for equality. But on a more personal level, I have to consciously remind myself that equality does not mean I have to do everything by myself.

I mentioned in my comment how I struggled with accepting that my biggest dream was to be a mother. I felt like a traitor to feminism because family was more important to me than a career. It was never that a career wasn’t important, just that it wasn’t my first priority. Even now. I quit my job a year and a half ago to follow my dream career for the first time in my life and even that was largely motivated by my desire to stay home and spend more time with my daughter.

I have a friend I’ve known since college. When I was in my early 20s, she was married with grown children who had children of their own. We used to talk for hours and hours, and I always valued her thoughts and advice.

I remember talking with her about my dreams of becoming a mother and about how I was having trouble reconciling that with being a feminist. She was the one who helped me to understand that feminism meant so much more than seeking a high-level career. She helped me understand that it was about choices and if my choice was to put motherhood ahead of a career that that in no way negated feminism.

I’ve had to defend myself several times over the last 8 years. I’ve had to defend why I was content to hold 3 degrees and work as a waitress or shift supervisor at Rite Aid. I’ve had to explain time and time again that I was making the best decisions I could in order to be the best mother I could be.

And I will continue to defend those decisions.

The beauty is that I’ve found a way to have *all* of those things that truly matter to me. From my job to my writing (and the books I promise will finally make it past the chicken scratch phase) to being home every night to tuck my daughter in and read her bedtime stories. And I’ve come to terms with the messy house and the occasional frequent lazy meals (or better yet, not having to be the one to cook them).

I’m even beginning to grasp the concept of asking for help.

~Dayle

Read Jared’s Response: The Radical Notion That Women Are Human Beings

Photo Credit

12 May

Some more thoughts on marriage equality – from a 7-year-old

Posted by Dayle Lynne in Family, Kids, Politics. Tagged: , , , .

I had another post scheduled for today, but I had to rearrange after the impromptu conversation I had with my daughter last night.

While playing board games, we had a discussion about hate. She knows I don’t like the word and she rarely uses it, but it slipped out a couple of times over the course of our games. I told her that it’s a very strong and hurtful word. She asked me what a “strong word” means. I explained that our words have power and used a few examples of how certain words have stronger meanings than others – happy vs. ecstatic, yummy vs. delicious, scared vs. horrified, etc.

Then our conversation moved into how hate and fear have been used to deny people rights. We talked about segregation – a topic that has always fascinated her as she thinks about what it would be like if my boyfriend and I couldn’t be together or if she couldn’t play with her own cousin or friends.

The conversation continued to progress toward the issue of marriage equality and we talked about the rights that are given to couples when they marry and how same-sex couples who want to get married are not given those same rights because they can’t get married. Her response was a very adamant, “What?! Well, that’s not fair!”

I explained that some people don’t think two men or two women should be allowed to get married and she looked at me funny. We talked about how the same kind of hate and fear that people used to deny rights based on race are being used now to deny rights based on who a person loves.

She continued with, “One day, if I meet the president, I’m going to tell him that two men or two women should be allowed to get married!”

I explained how the president doesn’t get to make all of those decisions on his own, but how our current president came out and said the other day that he believes same-sex couples should be allowed to get married and how that’s a big deal because no other president has ever done that. She smiled.

I asked her what made a family and she answered, “Love.”

She told me that she understands now why I don’t like the word “hate”. And we hugged and tickled and went back to our game. This whole conversation lasted a whopping 10 minutes.

So, my question is, if my 7-year-old understands all of this, why can’t so many adults?

Photo Credit

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