I shall be a toad "Think as I think," said the man, "or you are abominably wicked. You are a toad." "I think," I said, upon reflection, "that I shall be a toad." ~ Stephen Crane

I had my first panic attack when I was 4 years old. I didn’t know that’s what it was until I was 21. I sat in my therapist’s office and explained the events of the day that have left me phobic about having anything around my neck, the day my parents decided to get a divorce, the day I sat in the car while they fought by the creek, the day my winter coat bundled all around me made me feel like I was going to suffocate. I explained to her about these weird things that would happen to me every so often throughout my life. Words would seem to speed up and slow down at the same time. The world just sounded wrong. I would get this strange taste in my mouth that I have never been able to describe. My heart beat quickly and all I would want to do is lock myself away until it all stopped. She nodded her head and very calmly said, “They’re panic attacks”. I wondered why none of the therapists I had seen in the last 13 years had ever told me that.

Mara was an art therapist who worked mostly with young children with post traumatic stress disorder. She was able to pull things out of me that I could never express in therapy before. I was so used to functioning through my anxiety that I became really good at hiding it. Through seemingly juvenile drawings, I was able to release emotions I didn’t even know were there. It was a turning point in my life that I am eternally grateful for.

I am currently diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and social anxiety disorder. Let me explain a little bit about what each of those things mean to me.

When not on medication, I am in a constant state of anxiety. I worry about everything. Here’s a very telling example: in 6^th grade I used to worry about taking the SATs. It’s not rational worry. You can’t talk me out of it by telling me that it doesn’t make sense. It still keeps me up at night.

Then, on top of that constant over laying anxiety, every so often (at my worst it was several times a day) I’ll get panic attacks. Sometimes they can be explained by stressful events in my life. Sometimes there doesn’t seem to be any explanation at all. These are the worst because I start to feel like I’m forgetting something that I should be worrying about, so I panic even more.

Now, my friends and my family . . . those closest to me . . . were shocked when I told them I had social anxiety disorder. I was that good at hiding it. My aunt always said that I was the one who never cared what people thought of me. I was really, really good at making people think that. Meanwhile, my every move was designed on the thought of what someone else was going to say. And then everything I heard, every look I saw on someone’s face would send a down pour of questions into my head. “Are they talking about me? Did I do something stupid and not realize it? Am I doing something wrong?” And on and on. And then there’s the phone. Oh how I hate the phone. I actually have to work myself up to make a phone call. Work related stuff has never been a problem because there’s a certain expectation of how I’m supposed to perform and I can handle that. Personal calls are an entirely different story. Is the person going to speak clearly? Will I be able to understand them? What if there’s a silence? What am I supposed to say? There are a very few close friends and family members that I enjoy talking to on the phone. I can’t even order a pizza without panicking!

With medication? Oh wow, what a difference! I still get the occasional panic attack and I still hate talking on the phone, but I can walk through my normal day-to-day without fear. It’s as if a fog has been lifted, and I don’t know how I managed to walk through it before. It’s amazing to not have to work so hard just to get through a day. Every so often, I’ll stop taking my medication. I just want to see how I’m able to fare without it. I do pretty well for a couple of months, and then that fog comes rushing back. People can say whatever negative things they want to about pharma-psychology, but I am beyond grateful for my meds! I am able to truly enjoy life. You can’t get any better than that!