Posts Tagged ‘bisexuality’

24 Jan

An all-day mother/daughter play date

Posted by Dayle Lynne in Life, Parenting. Tagged: , , , , .

A professional development day and my boyfriend visiting his mom in New York gave my daughter and me the rare opportunity to spend the entire day with just each other.

The morning was fairly lazy – Abby playing with her toys, me responding to emails and Skype chatting with my boyfriend . . . with the occasional relaying of messages between Abby and Kes. Last week, Kes stole Abby’s computer chair because his was broken. Abby said she thinks he stole her chair because she stole his sleeping spot to use as her reading nook. I should have known that their usual banter wouldn’t stop just because he was in another state!

The early afternoon rolled around and I pushed my laptop aside. I forgot that I needed to go to the bank. We bundled up and I asked Abby if she wanted to ride her scooter to bank. It’s an electric scooter that my dad gave her for her birthday. She’s only been out on it two or three times and still needed practice maintaining her balance.

What could have been a tedious trip chock full of come on Abby, hurry ups, was filled instead with a lot of great job!s and stop at corner and wait for mes. She did extremely well . . . just an occasional jump and scream with a reminder from me to use her brakes. I watched her as we traveled along, wondering how she could have possibly grown up so much right in front of me, wondering how I could make it all slow down.

Play date 1

We stopped at the grocery store on the way back to pick up a few things for dinner, and then headed home for a bit more time on the scooter. We came inside to warm up and Abby played with her dry erase activity board. We listened to music (a combination of the Dr. Horrible soundtrack and the High School Musical 2 soundtrack) while we played Dots, drew super heroes, and played MASH . . . I liked how her version of MASH included clothing colors, cars, TV shows, and friends . . . and not boys to one day marry (as I remember playing when I was in 2nd grade).

Play date 2

I thought about how my daughter, love of princesses and all, was still a very strong-willed and independent child. She has crushes on boys and talks about her future children (whom she says she will adopt because she doesn’t want the pain of childbirth), but also about her future career as a marine biologist who will do some acting on the side and then write a book.

She likes to play dress up and paint her nails, build with LEGOS, read chapter books and comic books, watch TV shows and movies about time travel, draw pictures and write stories, play video games, sing and dance (off-key and out of rhythm, just like her mother), ride her scooter and swing on swings . . . she’s wonderfully diverse . . . silly, sometimes overly emotional, intelligent, curious, creative, and so much more . . . and the greatest joy in my life is that I get to watch her grow up.

Bow ties are cool!

Bow ties are cool!

I made dinner while she read her book. We sat down to eat and talked about nothing in particular. After dinner we snuggled on the couch for a mini Doctor Who marathon. We watched Bad Wolf, The Parting of Ways, and The Christmas Invasion.

The first time we watched The Parting of Ways was the first time my daughter was introduced to concept of bisexuality. She was confused when Captain Jack kissed Rose and then kissed the Doctor. I told her that just how some boys like boys and some girls like girls, some people like both boys and girls and Captain Jack was one of those people. She accepted it easily and we went back to watching. I didn’t tell her that her mom was one of those people too.

As we watched that scene again, she giggled a little bit (there’s always giggling or ewwing with kissing). She mentioned how Captain Jack was one of her favorite characters. I told her that he was one of mine too. She said she’s going to have four kids when she grows up and she’s going to name them Rose, Martha, Mickey, and Captain Jack (yes, that will be my grandson’s full first name). I told her she was silly.

I thought about telling her that her mom is bisexual, but I didn’t.  I’m not concerned about her reaction . . . I just don’t want to make a big deal out of something that’s not a big deal . . . I don’t want her to interpret my admission as something I think is a big deal . . . I want ease and normalcy and nonchalance. I know I’m over-thinking it.

Maybe the next time we watch a Captain Jack episode.

We finished our three episodes of Doctor Who and it was time for bed. I yawned and she told me she wasn’t tired. I told her she better get tired fast because her 4-day weekend was over! She laughed. She got ready for bed and I tucked her in.

She put her headphones on and I smiled as I walked out of the room listening to her sing (loudly and off-key, just like her mother). Our days are often spent filled with obligation and necessity. After school is snack time and then homework . . . maybe a few minutes to play before dinner . . . then cooking and eating . . . then we’re left with an hour and a half to squeeze in as much quality time as possible. It’s never enough.

I wish I had more days like this . . . more days to savor my child as she is now, as she will never be again . . . because it all moves so fast and there’s nothing I can do to slow it down.

24 Oct

Just because I can “pass” doesn’t mean it’s not personal

Posted by Dayle Lynne in Life, Politics. Tagged: , , , , , .

I was going to start this by writing that I have been much more vocal about my sexuality lately, but if I’m being completely straightforward, it’s not just being more vocal, it’s being vocal at all. I’ve never actually lied. I never went out of my way to hide it. But I have filtered myself.

There were a few real life friends who knew I was bisexual, but it wasn’t something I wanted many people knowing. Over the past several years, it started to bother me more and more. It wasn’t inhibiting my day-to-day life, but I felt like I was holding back. I felt like I couldn’t speak up about an aspect of who I am. And, well, if you know me at all, you know it’s not like me to keep my mouth shut about anything.

It was a letter writing project over at Lick the Fridge that helped push me to write the words, post them (or have them posted), and share them. I don’t know how many people read that letter, but there was very little reaction, which honestly, was fucking awesome. So the next time I wrote about it, it was easier. And each time after that, it was easier. And now, it’s just natural.

I write about it in the same vein that I write about any other part of my life, and that’s all I really wanted. But there was a less desirable side effect of becoming vocal about my bisexuality. It made me think about it more and that made me more aware of things that were always just under the surface.

I’ve been an advocate for LGBT rights for a long time. I can’t tell you exactly how long because it’s always just been what it was, what made sense to me . . . that all people should have the same rights. Discrimination is discrimination and there’s nothing else to it. But something’s happened over the past several months – it’s become much more personal.

Since putting that word out there in print, since stating, “I am bisexual,” I understand with much more clarity that when you take apart the letters in LGBT, I’m in there.

Now I won’t even begin to claim that I’ve gone through even a fraction of the discrimination as those whose sexual orientation is worn like a neon sign. Since my serious relationships have always been with men, I have never had to worry about walking down the street holding my girlfriend’s hand. At this moment, my boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. The issue of marriage equality does not affect me directly and it’s likely it never will. I have never been bullied because of my sexual orientation. Hell, I still don’t think most of my family even knows because they’re generally not internet people.

But just because I can pass for straight doesn’t make the fight for equality any less personal to me. If you don’t think LGBTs are deserving of equal rights, guess what – I’m in that group. You don’t think I should be treated equally and yes, that stings.

In that first letter, I wrote about how the women I worked with at a day care center found out I was bisexual and how it “skeeved them out.” I didn’t even realize until a few months ago that I could have legally been fired from that job just because I’m bisexual. It’s a terrifying thought.

I read an article on HuffPost Gay Voices the other day – Please De-Friend Me. It was written by a gay man who quite bluntly said, “If you vote for Romney, de-friend me.” While I am not making that same stand (I suppose you could say I hate the sin and not the sinner), I understand his position completely.

This election is personal to me on multiple levels. It’s personal as a woman, as someone who has struggled economically, as a single mother, as someone who cannot afford health insurance, and yes, as a bisexual. And it is very difficult for me to even try to understand how people who say they love me can stand so strongly against my rights.

Photo Credit

23 Sep

Bisexuals, pansexuals, acronyms, labels, and definitions, oh my!

Posted by Dayle Lynne in Life. Tagged: , , , .

This post has been swimming in my head for several weeks now. It started, quite simply, with a Facebook post on an LGBT rights page. I can’t remember which one. The post sought to explain the difference between bisexuality and pansexuality. It used definitions I’ve seen before – bi means two, as in two genders, so bisexuals are attracted to men and women; pan means all, as in any gender identity, so pansexuals are attracted to people of all genders.

Some people liked the distinction. Some people were very angry about it. I thought it was a prime example of how one person’s definition does not work for everyone. I’ve seen bisexual defined another way – that the “two” part of bi means the same as me and different from me, which would encompass all gender identities. I prefer that definition because I don’t subscribe to a gender binary but I still prefer the term bisexual to pansexual. There’s not a lot of logic in that. It’s just a preference.

I think that brings up an important point. We define ourselves by what feels the most comfortable for us. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the term “pansexual” and I think it’s perfect valid for those who prefer to use it, just as I think it’s perfectly valid to define myself as a bisexual.

Labels can feel confining at times, but that’s only because other people put restrictions on them. Labels can also be quite helpful. They can help you to find other people with whom you identify. They can help you find connections and form bonds and friendships. But it’s important to remember that there is much more to a person than his or her label, even a self-imposed one, and the only way to truly know a person is through open communication.

I read an article several months ago about the ever-growing list of acronyms for the LGBT community. Aside from the ones almost everyone knows, there’s Q for queer, P for pansexual, A for asexual, I for intersex, two Ts for transsexual and transgender, another Q for questioning, and I’ve seen one that included an A for ally. I think there were others, but this one would be LGBTQPAITQA. Or any combination thereof.

It can become a bit daunting, all of these acronyms and labels and individual definitions. I think it emphasizes the point I made earlier. We all have our preferred terms and labels, whether it’s related to gender identity and sexual orientation or anything else in our lives. I define myself as a mom, a friend, a writer, an activist, a volunteer, an animal lover, a liberal . . . and yes, as a bisexual . . . and if I thought about it more, I’m sure I could come up with at least a dozen other labels.

Those labels are important to me, but I’m fairly certain they don’t mean the same things to everyone. I don’t expect them to. The only way for someone to truly understand what they mean to me and how they define me is to ask me, talk to me about it, read my writing . . . get to know me.

I’m not angry with those who consider themselves pansexual because they think bisexual is too confining. That’s their choice. Only if they decide what bisexual means to me and that I fit neatly into their boxed up definition will I have a problem.

Photo Credit

8 Jun

A safe place to discard your filters

Posted by Dayle Lynne in Letters, Life. Tagged: , , , , , , .

This is a repost of a letter I wrote to Jared from Lick the Fridge. Read more about this kick-ass letter-writing project here. This letter is a continuation of a conversation about my bisexuality – read the first two letters in the conversation here and here.

Jared,

Your response to my letter about being bisexual gave me quite a bit to think about. The story of the girl describing herself as “just normal” spoke to me.

“Normal” has never made much sense to me. In 8th grade, my entire school (or maybe just the entire 8th grade, I can’t remember) participated in a survey to discover who was the most “normal” student. The questions in the survey were about random preferences and there was nothing particularly consequential. The only one I can remember is “What is your favorite ice cream flavor?” It was meant to be something silly and fun. I remember thinking, “Why would our teachers encourage us to be just like everyone else?”

Between kindergarten and 5th grade, I attended five different schools – two in Philadelphia and three in the suburbs. I attended middle school in the suburbs. And I attended 3 different high schools – one suburban, one Philly Catholic school, and one Philly magnet school. I’ve been in damn near all-white classrooms. I’ve also been the only white kid in the classroom. I’ve been surrounded by rich kids and far-from-rich kids and religious kids and really-not-religious kids. “Normal” just never made much sense to me because I realized early on that there was no such thing.

I’ve never tried to stand out, but I’ve never tried to fit in either. Honestly, both make me uncomfortable because both involve dealing with other people and well, I don’t like dealing with people.

So, that all being as it is, I’ve questioned myself on both my need not to discuss my bisexuality and my need to discuss it.

I mentioned in a recent blog post that I’m an over-sharer. I always have been. I laugh now when I tell my daughter that she doesn’t need to tell complete strangers on the bus her life story. I used to do the same thing. I’m still doing the same thing. I’m just doing it through a blog now.

I’ve written about my self-injury, struggling with my weight, the death of my mom, my alcoholic father, my anxiety disorders, my self-esteem issues . . . None of these are things I bring up on a regular basis, but all of these are things that I will mention in the course of a regular conversation.

In my original letter to you, I said that while I’ve never come right out and said I’m bisexual, I’ve never hidden it either. That’s mostly true. Once, I mentioned being bisexual in a response to a comment on a blog post (regarding Obama directing the Justice Dept. not to defend DOMA).

I have put it out there on occasion. But I’ve also thought carefully before doing so. There were only two people reading those comments – the one I was having the debate with (some random internet person) and my former sister-in-law (who’s a lesbian). The odds were pretty much against anyone else seeing it – just like with the whole MySpace thing.

There have been times when I’ve filtered myself, when I’ve kept quiet because I wasn’t sure what the reaction would be. And that is what bothers me. Some people are very private people, so it wouldn’t be unusual to not say certain things. The last thing I have ever been accused of is being a private person!

When I first wrote that letter, I had some very odd feelings about it (that were intensified thanks to my oh-so-wonderful anxiety disorders). I wondered what would happen if someone in my family read it – unlike MySpace, I do have several family members on Facebook. I also thought, “Well, this is stupid. It’s not important. No one cares. Why should I even bother writing about it?” And then I thought, “But why should I not write about it? I write about everything else!”

And that’s basically what it came down to. I was tired of not being able to share about something – important or not important, big deal or not a big deal, relevant or irrelevant. I don’t like filters.

And I want to thank you for giving me a place to discard one of my last ones.

~Dayle

Read Jared’s response: Homophobes and Cheerleaders and Bisexuals and Prom Kings and Heroin Addicts and Popular Sixth Graders

Photo Credit

17 May

A letter about bisexuality

Posted by Dayle Lynne in Letters, Life. Tagged: , , , , , .

This is a repost of a letter I wrote to Jared from Lick the Fridge. Read more about this kick-ass letter-writing project here.

 

I’m Bisexual and There’s Nothing For You to Worry About

Dear Jared,

I sat down tonight to write you a letter expanding on my comment from your Betty Friedan post. And then I read your post, Some People Are Gay – Get Over It! and my mind went in a completely different direction.

I’ve been working on writing this in my head for some time now. It started this past September. I told my boyfriend what I wanted to write about. He asked me if I was sure I wanted to do that. I said, “I don’t know.” I chickened out and wrote this not-nearly-as-personal post instead.

Over the past couple of months, I’ve been thinking about it again. I’ve been feeling that “I don’t know” turn into a soft “yes.”

To most of the world, I’m a straight woman who advocates for LGBT rights. But I’m not. I’m a bisexual woman who happens to be in a heterosexual relationship. I’ve never felt the need to come out. I’ve never had to come out. All of my long-term relationships have been with men.

I first accepted my bisexuality when I was 21 years old. Since then, I’ve never really hidden it, but I’ve never actually said it either. I don’t deal with overt discrimination and bigotry because most people in my “real life” don’t know.

I did check the “bisexual” box on MySpace years ago, though I admit I was only comfortable doing that because no one in my family was on MySpace. I was teaching preschool at the time and while sitting in the office one day a co-worker asked for my MySpace page. I told her.

About a week later another teacher accidentally made a comment about being irritated with that co-worker and a few others. I asked her why. She sighed and said, “She told me she saw your MySpace page and that it said you were bi. Now she and a couple other girls are skeeved out.”

I rolled my eyes and we joked about how egocentric they must be to think I’d have any interest in any of them. But later I started to panic. I wasn’t thinking about that one little tidbit on a website chock full of other information about me when she asked for my page. I started to regret checking that box. I was worried that this was going to affect my work environment.

Fortunately, it didn’t. The gossip died down the second there was something new to latch onto. That was the last time I directly dealt with any issues related to my sexual orientation.

Still, I listen to people describe bisexuals as confused or greedy or promiscuous. Over ten years ago when I made this discovery about myself, I was dating my ex-husband. I was always faithful to him.

On a few occasions, I’d talk to online friends about being bisexual and many times they’d “correct” me and tell me I must be bi-curious. They’d say things like, “If you’ve never been with a woman, how can you know you’re bi?”

I’d reply with, “How old were you when you lost your virginity?” And after they answered, I’d ask, “So, you were straight-curious before that?”

I’ve never quite understood why it seems to be so difficult for many people to grasp the idea that a person can be interested in both men and women. Whether it’s attraction or infatuation or like or love – that for some of us, those things don’t come attached to specific gender.

It doesn’t mean that I’m confused. It doesn’t mean that I secretly want to bang every woman I meet. It doesn’t mean that I went through a “phase” in college or that I can’t have a committed relationship or that I’m just trying to be the “cool” girlfriend.

You said that you wish we didn’t have to talk about all this stuff because you wish it would just be the non-issue that it should be. I agree with you 1,000%.

I watch a show on the BBC (Torchwood, if you’re interested) with some very open-minded portrayals of sexuality. My boyfriend’s commented about how it’s strange that you’ll see girls hook up with girls and guys hook up with guys and there’s never an explanation of that person being gay or bi. I said, “Isn’t that how it should be? Would you expect an explanation if a man and woman started kissing?”

During my courses on teaching special education in college, my professor talked about people with disabilities portrayed in the media. She made a distinction between having a show about a person with a disability and having a show with a character who happened to have a disability. She explained that the latter shows all of who the person is. It was about making a distinction between putting the disability first and putting the person first.

I think that’s the case for so many things – race, color, religion, and of course, sexual orientation. These things are a part of who we are, but not the whole of who we are. And that’s a huge part of the reason I’ve never actually come out. Because it’s just not that important to who I am. It doesn’t define me.

And then a few weeks ago I read this article and I thought, “Maybe I should indulge these feelings of wanting to be more vocal about this because this is something I relate to and it’s important to me and I’m not ashamed of who I am and maybe I should just tell people that.”

So, for whatever it’s worth or not, that’s what this is.

~Dayle

Read Jared’s response: Using Privilege to Define Normal

Photo Credit

23 Sep

Celebrate Bisexuality

Posted by Dayle Lynne in Life. Tagged: , , , , , , .

In addition to being the first day of Autumn and one of my favorite Sabbats since I was a child (even if I didn’t know that’s what it was at the time), today is also Celebrate Bisexuality Day.

Celebrate Bisexuality Day was first observed in 1999. Wendy Curry, Michael Page and Gigi Raven were all bisexual rights activists. The vision was to “put bisexuality on the map with its call to promote bi visibility and celebrate the wonderful diversity of bisexual lives.”

Bisexuality is often misunderstood, misjudged and grossly stereotyped. I remember going on a road trip with some friends when I was in high school. The driver and the front seat passenger started discussing homosexuality. The passenger’s comment was, “I don’t have a problem with anyone gay or straight, but bisexuals are just greedy and need to make up their minds.” (I might be paraphrasing a bit, but that was the gist.)

In the 15 years since that road trip, I have heard that bisexuals are just confused and haven’t yet “chosen” to be gay or straight.” I have heard that bisexuals are more promiscuous. I have heard that bisexuals are incapable of having a monogamous relationship.

Oh, and the most irritating is that bisexual women only do it to attract straight men. (Thank you pop culture!) This is not to say that those individuals don’t exist, but as Anna Pulley stated in her article on AlterNet, “We call these ladies beersexuals, and yes, they do exist, but not usually outside of college campuses or David Schwimmer parties.”

First off, like heterosexuality and homosexuality, bisexuality is not a choice. Bisexuals have been defined in many different ways, but one all-encompassing definition is that they are individuals who have “the potential to feel attracted to and to engage in sexual and/or romantic relationships with people of any sex or gender.”

The truth is that there are those who will go through a phase of identifying as “bisexual” before accepting themselves as gay or lesbian. And that’s okay. But that does not devalue the identification for those who are truly bisexual.

There are those who deem themselves “bicurious” because they are unsure of their sexuality. And that’s okay too. Some of those who identify as “bicurious” will later identify has straight, gay/lesbian or bi. Someone is not a bicurious solely because he or she lacks sexual experience with a member of the same sex. The term used in that way has always irritated the hell out of me. I’ve never heard anyone called gay-curious or straight-curious just because of a lack of experience.

As for monogamy? Silliness. There is monogamy and non-monogamy amongst all individuals regardless of sexual orientation. Are some bisexuals polyamorous? Of course. So are some heterosexuals and homosexuals. And the same holds true for monogamy. And quite honestly, why is anyone’s sex life any of anyone else’s business?

The point is that human beings are diverse and you cannot lump all bisexuals into a stereotype . . . the same as you can’t lump any other group of people into a stereotype.

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